you took me for granted

You took me for granted.

It’s been more than 3 months. I’m tired of having you in my mind, I’m tired of always having Dec 20th 2019 playing over and over again in my head. I hate myself for not being able to get over you, over what you did. I hate myself for not being able to get angry. I don’t even know myself now.

I should’ve left that morning February 3rd 2019. I should’ve just leave it at that.

You hurt me, a lot.

I don’t deny the love you had for me – I’m just sad that you did what you did. You cheated. You emotionally manipulated me into thinking I was wrong – that I demanded too much. That very “what on earth do you want” is permanently etched in my head and my heart; that I am now constantly questioning my every single move, my every single thought whenever I meet someone new. I can’t even open up to them fearing they will cheat; they will find someone else for those late night talks and random “banters”. After all, that’s how everything started right?

You then shared a playlist together, and you even wrote songs for her. AND I STILL GAVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT.

Me opening up to you proved futile. Me being honest with you, me wanting to meet you in the middle for the relationship proved useless. Your reassurance was only to cover yourself. It wasn’t for me – it was for you.

To think that you did those things perhaps hurts me more than the cheating itself. I believed you. I trusted you and you took that for granted. Say what you want, you took it for granted. You took my trust for granted, and that’s what hurt me the most. You lied. You allowed her in. You did not respect me. You did not respect the relationship.

I gave you space to think, without realizing you took that opportunity to forge a relationship with her. You were not even bothered to take your time. To think that it took just five days for things to spiral downwards for me really scares me.

But then again, it’s not your fault. I trusted you. I made the conscious decision to trust you. I made the conscious decision to love you with all my heart. I took the risk. I ignored my gut feelings to make space for understanding. I was wrong. I was gravely wrong.

I can’t even trust that you care. No, you don’t. Perhaps you feel guilt – that’s one good thing coming out of this. I don’t need you to care – you don’t have to. I tried being friends and keeping things casual – I guess I can’t, but at least I tried.

I deserve better.

Ps: To both of you, I hope karma deals with you properly.

A poetic cat
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