why i chose this one i love after getting my heart broken

if you’re confused by my title then that’s fine because you’re as confused as I am in my relationship too.

but I’m not here for a sob story.
This side of me is happy, partly but surely.

It was on a Sunday when my friend named Roy asked me,
‘Why do you choose him?’

Seems like an easy question doesn’t it but its not. for me.
but to answer his question I told him I could only write about it,
because writing makes me less vulnerable than I already am for speaking it out loud.

here’s to you, A.

I didn’t get to choose you, you were never a choice to me.
But when I saw you for the first time, forgive me if I’m over phrasing this but I was star struck.
You were pretty cute to me but I never thought of approaching you because I hated people at camp.
I was unattractive. People don’t talk to unattractive people like me.
At least I thought they don’t because that’s what I learnt 2 years ago at camp, people telling me I’m unattractive.

My only friend was Sarah, and that’s not bad either because she’s such a family but then we got close to this 2 beautiful both personality and physically girls from Selangor team who were one in a million of a friend who actually got me talking at camp because guess what, the only time I speak was when I needed to but with these girls, some topics are just not enough of words.
Little did I know you were friend’s with them.
I remembered ordering pizza. Twice. or maybe 3 times, I lack of remembering that and I gave some to you because you were blabbering on the phone saying,
‘Oh, order pizza tak ajak, macam ni la kawan.’ and I just saved some and give it to you.
To shut you up, yeah.

My dear A, if I talked about how we first met, this just wouldn’t be a cerpen anymore.

We talked after camp, my feelings for you were still oblivious. Until the night where you called and we played truth or dare and accidentally confessed and surprisingly you did too.

I remember you gave me a jar of Nutella, and liking every dumb shit I say making them your Instagram post and everything there is about you I just adore but I can never put it out but I really liked you.
Then we had a downfall. I got my heart broken for the second time even when I knew we were never together at the first placed but I knew I lost a gem.

Somehow we got the broken pieces being put back together. It’s not perfect though, but it was still whole.

I had things going on, going almost insane all the time but you’re the one who helped me through all.
I was beyond grateful because some depressing tweets were just depressing tweets until somebody approaches you and you did. I did not seek for your attention or helped because I learnt the hard way over that. Then it was back to the way it used to be until I realized you had your problems too.
I’m always the one who is wanting to be there for you and even though at times
you just don’t let me in, I stayed right there until you open up.

I appreciate you so much in every ways over my grey skies or cloud 9 because you were just always there for me.
I hoped, even when they say you shouldn’t, and I waited for you even when you told me don’t because waiting for you is like waiting on to something that really matters holding on to.

We’re more than friends but not a relationship and that was part of the reason I never really could tell anyone what we really are but I knew then that I love you.

Even when I’ve move far up state, further than the distance that we’re already in but I kept you in mind and hoped you were too.
I call you up every Sunday using the hostel’s phone, feeling scared and unease before calling for not knowing if you actually wanted to talk to me but I did it anyway because it felt right to hear your voice and know that you’re alright and okay.

I could pour up all my feelings for you and be vulnerable but who isn’t scared of a love being one sided.

I’ve been travelling up and down through the country for tournaments and it’s still going to be you unless you give me a reason to leave, no. You wanted me to leave.

I’ve been heart broken by you a few times and they say love isn’t suppose to hurt and that’s true too.
But as they say, truth is everyone’s a potential heartbreaker, you just have to find the one who is worthy of it.
For me that is you.

I like the way you stutter when I kept surprising you with comebacks for your joke. Or you the way you’re so passionate with everything you do, from archery to every single small details of it. To thinking of others before you, even when I tell you it’s unhealthy. To caring so much of what the world would think about you until it made you so small. The selfies you sent when you skin your head when I loved your hair so much, but that’s alright because you were still cute anyways. The photo of you on telegram where you wore a suit. How you adore your food and ice cream and even how you adore so much of the people you love. And how you dragged me into liking your type of music a little bit more than a normal person would do, and how you loved 2pac so much over the influenced of your friend, Jamil.

You see, loving someone is loving every little things of what they are or what they do and I may not know you whole, or most, but I wouldn’t mind studying it.
There’s still so much of you unsolved and even if there are, I could never put them into words.
You’re one of the small spec of happiness everyone would want.
Diamonds are every girl’s bestfriend they say, but you’re mine.
I thank you for that.

With love.

had a heart lined with cracks but i chose art to fill it.
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