Unstoppable Addiction

“What are you waiting for? Do it! We love blood, right? Are you being a coward now? I know you are a weak and worthless human being. HAHAHA!!!”


“HAHAHA! What? Don’t be like this, look at yourself. You’re trembling in excitement for some blood. Hmm… imagine those luscious red liquid flowing gracefully on this pale skin. Beautiful, mesmerizing…

“STOP IT!” with shaking hands, I desperately trying to call someone. Scrolling through my short contact list, hesitating and unsure who can help me.

“No, I can’t call mom and dad. Damn it! Nur, yes I should call her.”

“Who are you trying to call? Please stop living in denial. The only friend you have is me.”



“Sorry wei, aku tengah busy gila ni. Nanti aku call kau balik. Bye.”

“HAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHAHA! Aku dah cakap kan, kau taknak percaya. Aduh! Lawakla kau ni. Sampai bila kau nak hidup dalam denial? Kau kena sedar, aku satu-satunya kawan yang kau ada. Faham?”

“Diamlah bodoh! Aku tahu kau saja nak perangkap aku. Kau yang buat semua kawan-kawan aku lari. Semua ni salah kau! Kau perosak segalanya!

“Kau rasa kau ramai kawan kan? Try la call kawan-kawan kau yang ramai tu.”

Nur mungkin sibuk, tapi aku masih ada Am dan Man. Aduh! Angkat la Am… please. Ah! Tangan ni pun, can you stop shaking? I can’t stand this anymore. This addiction is killing me. You’re my last hope Man.

“Assalamualaikum sahabat… lama kau tak call aku. Kau sihat?”

“Waalaikumussalam, Man. Aku sihat je. Kau okay tak? Macam mana dengan kerja baru kau?”

“Alhamdulillah, kerja aku okay je. Kau call aku ni kenapa wei, ada apa-apa yang aku boleh tolong? Kau nak jemput aku makan nasi minyak kau ke? Wah! Pandai kau sorok, dah nak kahwin baru kau nak kenalkan dekat aku.”

“Tak, kau ni Man. Aku saja je call, nak tahu sihat ke tidak kawan aku ni. Lagipun, kita kan dah lama tak jumpa. Kalau kau nak makan nasi minyak, masaklah sendiri. Kau tengah busy dengan kerja ke sekarang? Kalau kau busy takpe wei, nanti aku call balik.”

“Eh, taklah. Aku tak busy pun. Baru lepas dinner. Kau betul-betul sihat ke tak ni?

“Sihat je lah…”

“Kau jangan tipu aku, kalau kau sihat kenapa suara kau ketar-ketar?”

“Oh! Ketara sangat eh? Aku demam sikit je. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

“Don’t worry, don’t worry. Kau tu dah lah penakut nak jumpa doktor. Masa study dulu kalaulah aku tak heret kau ke klinik, sampai sudah lah kau tak pergi.”

“Kau tak perlu risau lah, pandailah aku jaga diri. Demam ni sikit je. Esok lusa kebah la.”

“Kau ingat ni, kalau tak kebah jugak dan kau tak larat sangat nak drive pergi klinik sendiri kau bagitahu aku. Nanti aku teman kau jumpa doktor.”

“Baik, akan aku ingat pesan kau wahai sahabat.”

“Bagus. Ingatlah pesanku. Sekiranya engkau lupa, bersedialah menerima hukumannya. Okay, main-main pulak dia. Terima kasih daun keladi, nanti call lah lagi. Bye.”

Thanks Man. I want to tell you something about me but I’m afraid that you’ll hate me. I’m sorry for lying about my well-being. I hope if one day you find out about this, you’ll forgive me. I’m sorry, I really want to tell you about him and my addiction but I can’t, I don’t have the courage to do it. I’m afraid that you’ll leave me, I’m afraid that you’ll be disgusted with me. I’m sorry that I can’t be honest with you. I am really grateful to have you as my friend, thank you Man.

Another thing that I hate is I can’t control my tears. It will just flows at random time, random place and what make it worse is I can’t stop it. It’s very humiliating, exhausting and it make me feels that I am worthless. In fact, I need to stop crying right now but I can’t. He’s gone, maybe I should get some rest for a while before he come back again.

‘Beep beep! Beep beep! Beep beep’

5 a.m.? Did I actually fall asleep? That’s a miracle. I walk to the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. Oh, it happened again. It’s not surprising that I find myself covered in wounds and dried bloods. There some part of my arms that wrapped messily with bandages. I should sleep in. Why did I wake up?

I begin to assess all of the wounds. Thankfully, the wounds are not as deep as the previous one. Still, a shower will surely be very unpleasant, but I need to clean all of these dried bloods. I can’t remember if I did all of these so, it must be him. Did I in a very deep sleep that I can’t even realised he carving all of these? I must find some ways to eliminate him from my life and of course stop the crave of seeing this luscious and beautiful blood. If I don’t, I might die of blood lost or end up hurting others around me. Hmm… yes, he did a great job. This is a magnificent art. All of these red indeed look so beautiful on my pale skin. I love them and maybe I should add some of my own carving later. I don’t have to worry if my colleagues will see them. They will be perfectly conceal like how they have been conceal for my whole life.






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