Unhappy

i just quit my part time job today. i started working yesterday (lmao) and it was Sunday. can you imagine working at a restaurant in a mall on the weekend which ocean of people coming to the restaurant and as i was on my first day working i was put in a service position but i had to collect their dishes when they finish their meals and clean the tables, sometimes when the other staff are too busy i had to take their orders and basically the restaurant have another section upstairs which totally needed my energy to clear all the sections all the time. sometimes i did it alone cause staff were busy picking their meals and send to the customers and take their orders, the place really needs some more staff you know. i was extremely exhausted and even rushed to take my meals and go for prayer during my break and imagine, i had no time to rest like a rest rest. walking there and there, the restaurant have 4 sections i had to work for, and finally i felt unhappy about it. the job was fine, but i was not. as i returned home i sat down in the room looking down at my phone and started to tear up. silent. i was texting my friend saying that i wasn’t okay  and my tears instantly dropped. like i was the weakest person alive. it’s like my bones are cracked and my heart ached. it’s like a cry that needs comfort. i was confused as if that was only my mood swings that troubled me but as i woke up today i still feel like that. i felt like i’m not going to work there anymore. i wanted to quit. i couldn’t cope. i didn’t want to spend my energy on doing things that doesn’t make me happy. i thought i was gonna be happy. but it’s not like what i was looking for. it’s not that type of happiness that will keep me. so i quit. i don’t know why but i easily give up on things that don’t make me feel good about myself. i don’t have the energy to try and keep trying anymore. maybe i’m done with everything. or maybe i need a break like a good break. or maybe i need some time. to figure out what’s good for me and what will make me happy. maybe working there could just put me in a state where everything is holding me back to something that broke me i don’t know. i need to figure out what i really want and what i actually need. i need to find myself. maybe this place isn’t for me. it was a trial, i guess. i’ve seen a lot of things yesterday. the entire day as i was working i engaged with many people and i observed a lot and deep inside i kinda found what i wanted to do. to feel like, to be. plus i’m on that phase where i’m so damn sensitive and stressed due to pms. that’s what confusing me now. but to make this decision to quit, is my conscious decision. i can’t do it. i guess as i turned 21 this year there’s so much i need to go through. break up, decision on my studies, work, focus on myself and some other things. maybe what i want isn’t prepared for me yet.

right now my heart aches. it feels heavy. i only wanna go outside, find some good food to enjoy, and then back on searching for my job, read my book. everyone else is so busy. they can’t find time to spend with me when i need them. so i can do it myself. </3

i wish i didn’t have to write but tell my go-to someone, but i got nobody. that stings.

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