I have two of them in myself.
One of them prevent me from going outside and meet people’s eyes. People who are not familiar with me will think i’m a weirdo. I can feel that they are not comfortable when they are talking to me. Well. Me too. I feel uncomfortable and stuffy whenever i meet new people. I don’t know where should i look. Eyes? Nose? Forehead? I cannot just simply look at their face you know. I feel like i have to focus on a certain area in the face. I’m not a weirdo. I’m not that at all. I just think too much. Thinking of what is that boy was thinking when he talked to his girlfriend. Thinking of what will people said when i said the same thing like others. Will they response like how they response to others? I just think a lot of things when i shouldn’t. And i hate myself for doing that.
The second one prevent me from expressing myself to others. I’m quite expressive when i’m with someone that i’m comfortable. They even said i’m funny and crazy. But other people will definitely not believe that. “that quiet girl?”. “she is a nerd, definately not a fun people to hang out with”. When will they look for me? When assignments submissions’ are three days away. “hey, how did you do this report?” “have you did the assignment 1?” “can you teach me how to do this one?” other than that, I’m only a wallflower it seems.
But, do i blamed them? No. Do i hate them? No. Instead i feel happy. So i was important in their life as well, say my stupid positive self. Who did i blamed? I blame myself again.
I blame myself for not be able to fight the two things in me. I’m basically a grown up lady. Even though i was reluctant to grown, but hey, i’m 21 now! How fckn great is that?
I’m frustrated with myself for not be able to change to an adult. Still the same weak anxious old self. I tried to always tell myself, you can do this. Do not liisten to others. Just do what you want. But this second thing in me still overpowered me. I cannot fight it. I can’t even tell this to the person that i’m comfortable with. Because of that thing.
I’m not a weirdo. I’m not that at all. I just have two things inside me. They are called
Anthropophobia and Allodoxaphobia.