You told me that there was no reason for you to put me as your priority anymore. You told me that you cant keep me anymore, that enough is enough.
I guess maybe we have finally came to a breaking point where we both are too tired to continue to be in this relationship, too drained to keep on fighting and shouting until finally, we accept what we had once promised will never happen, separation.
I love you, with all of my heart i love you, still. But the thing about love is that it tends to get clouded with other emotions. Rage, ego, jealousy, insecurities, sadness and pain makes us forget all about our love and the real reason why we are together, which is to loved and be loved. We ended up throwing it all away, just to satisfies our rage. We keep on emphasizing on our differences until we forgot about what we shared. We keep on pointing out each other’s mistakes until we forgot about what we had sacrificed for one another. We keep on fighting and shouting at each other until we forget what gentleness feels like. I sometimes felt that we had left each other long before we decided to both go on our separate ways. I would sometimes look at you and felt that I dont recognize you anymore. I realize that this was not the same person whom I once sat with and talk for hours with about everything and nothing, this was not the same person who once told me that he would do “whatever it takes” to keep me and be better. This was not the same person who used to be so soft with me, caressing me with his words, comforting me with his soothing grace. The person whom once held my hand, wishing that I would never leave. This is the moment that hurts me the most, the moment when I realized that the person that I love, was not the same person that I have met before. The moment when I realized that I was not the same person anymore, I lose myself trying to love you. And it was the moment when I realized I cant call you “home” anymore, was the moment that breaks my heart. You threw me away.
But sweetheart, do you still think of me when you’re laying down at night and wish that maybe we could have ended in a totally different situation? With a ring on my finger, our own house, a fat cat like how we have always imagined and our passports tattooed with the name of all of the places that we had said we would like to visit?
Because I do, love. I do.
But it’s over. No matter how hard I try to drag and delay this ending, it still happens without a notice, I just suddenly realized that I am truly, utterly, alone.
You left me with too many memories, love. Now, I can never eat another meal of curry butter chicken without remembering how much you liked it. I can never walk past a certain place without a flash of memory about you there. I can never go down in the middle of the night to refill my water without remembering how you used to accompany me, making sure that I was safe. I can never wear my clothes without thinking of what you will say about it. I cant even wear my own toner without wondering whether you are still wearing the same toner as what I am wearing right now because it was me who bought it for you. Everything around me, even I, myself reminded me of you.
It amazed me of how a person can keep so many memories. The good and the bad will always be embedded in my mind, this is the last piece of “us” that I will always keep and cherished.
Thank you, my love. For the laugh and tears. For the sadness and joy. For the pain and comfort. You have taught me a great deal in life, forever will I be indebted to you.
I dont wish to be a stranger to you, love. You will always be a part of my life even if we cant be together anymore. And I hope that you wont make me be a stranger to you, even if I am not your priority anymore.
And if one day, fate finally brought us back together, I hope by that time it will be the right time for us. I hope that we will finally be better for each other, that we will finally learn on how to tolerate each other. I hope that this time we will stay in love until the end of our time. And I hope that this time I will be good enough.
However if one day, fate brought you closer to another, I pray that by that time, she will be the right one for you. I pray that she will be better and best for you, the one that will give you what you need. I pray that she will make you happy, more than I possibly ever could. I pray that both you and her will always stay in love until death do you apart.