To the guy that I am in love

To the guy that I am in love with.
Yes, you will not be reading this, because you don’t give a damn about me.
But I’ll need to write this ‘neway.
You’re the guy that I would call a crush. A person that I fall in love with, since three years ago.
The person that I admire yet I hate the most.
You’re the guy who makes me fall in love despite how sarcastic you can be.
You’re the guy who I want to avoid the most.
You makes me fall in love with you, and makes me feel secure, and you didn’t even remember the time when you makes me fall for you.
You’re the guy who makes me waste my tears over every stupid little things you did.
And yet, I still cant get over you.
I keep on telling my friend that I want to move on from you, that I want to let you go. I want to be happy.
But every time i tried, I always find myself sobbing and crying, for I found another reason not to move on from you.
Move on is not easy when it comes to you.
Do you still remember about how you makes me feel at ease and secure?
I bet you don’t even remember that.
It was the day when we’re at a leadership camp.
The only camp that I felt like a hellish monstrous three days camp.
I was so scared and felt like I want to die.
My anxiety keeps on hitting me for that three days.
A friend of mine keeps on scolding at me for being too scared; fuck she thinks my fear and anxiety as a joke.
But you makes me forget about it for awhile. It was when its the time for a war game. We’re in the same team. I was scared to death. Every fucking time I remember about the camp I felt so scared and I cried. The memories of the camp is sure hellish and painful. I choose to just stay in the toilet and help to isi air dalam balloon untuk our group punya peluru. Because I was too scared. I try to avoid human and people. But I still need to get out. And at that very moment, you talk to me. This is the time where you makes me fall in love even more for you. You talked to me and asked me to follow you. “Jom ikut ana.” You talked to me. In that dark of night, you gave a pink balloon to me as peluru. You asked me to follow you, and I felt like you’re my saviour, my Knight in armour. You act so cool and tied up your shoelace. You smiled at me. For a second, I felt save. I felt that all my fear rushed out of my whole body. I felt totally safe. And then, the enemy; the other group realised that you’re from the other tean, and we ran away. And I cant find you.
After that, I found myself smiling. A moment of relief. You makes me feel secure. Thats when I realised that I love you.
Never did anyone makes me feel like that. Not before not till now.
You’re the only one, and I bet you don’t even remember this.
This is the only things that makes you different from anyone.
You’re the only human being that makes me feel like this.
And this makes things hard for me.
Now comes to the most painful part,
I assume that you like somebody else.
And I think my assumption is right.
You’re acting weirdly with the girl. You’re being extra cautious, you shows your jealousy when it comes to her.
And the most painful part is, she is my friend.
And I know the friend that I love the most.
Now it comes to the part where I am going to tell you why I love her the most.
She is a nice and a good friend indeed.
Among all the quality she had, that’s not the reason I am telling you she is the friend that I love the most,
But it’s because I hurt the most when it comes to the little and smallest thing she did to me.
Being betrayed over things that happened before, and it is because of her, still bleeding until now. I am not really sure If I really forgive her. But it still hurt until now. And I know I love her the most.
I hate her for the thing that happened two years ago.
But I still love her so much.
And to the guy that I am still in love with,
I am sorry, but just let me love you till I can truly move on from you. Just let me love you till I can truly, find somebody else that can replace.
And just let me waste my unbearable tears for you for every little thing you did that shows that you care for her.
To the guy that I am in love with,
I am sorry for being such a shameless jerk for loving you stupidly.

Rambling thoughts, broken and healing, 22
Posts created 17

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