To the 30 years old me

This is for the future me.

Dear Anis.

I’m your 22 years old self. I’m sitting at the balcony at the hostel/rent house I’m living, feeling so hungry.  I have money but I’m saving it for the end of the month. So I’m contemplating whether I should buy food for dinner or should I save up. If you’re not me reading this, have you ever not have enough money that you starve yourself sometimes? Because I have, sometimes, like now. The view from the balcony is overlooking KLCC Towers, some tall buildings beside it and a building still in constructions. I’m listening to Frank Ocean’s Nights. Even though I’m starving I can’t help to enjoy the light ‘show’ that came from the buildings. All the buildings in front of my eyes have blinking lights. There’s white, red, blue, orange, yellow, green from each of different buildings. It’s beautiful because all the light blink rhymes with every beat/verse of the Nights song. Like the buildings are enjoying the music too.  If Frank Ocean said “Round the city, Round the clock”, the light is in orange. When he moves to the next verse “Everybody need you” the light turn to blue. And for every beat or guitar sound in the song there will be blinking lights every second rhyming. It’s almost like the buildings are playing a musical show for me.

Have you ever feel that your life is quite hard and you’re tired of living like this so you promise to yourself that you will change it, so that you won’t feel like this in the future anymore? Is it weird to be able to envision your future, a better version of yours now? Cause I do. I see myself 10 years will come having a loving and handsome husband with 3 beautiful children. I see myself living in a big house. I’m writing this in hope that my future 30 years old me (or older than that) will read this and compare her life from I am now, and actually see the difference. I will tell my children about my hardship but will never let them experience it. Or maybe I will let them experience it for the sake of learning, whatever I haven’t decided that yet. I will tell them that amidst all the happiness we get, comfy bed to sleep every night, marinated chicken for dinner we just had, big plasma TV, going on vacations, there was time when I was 22 I sat alone in the balcony feeling hungry not having much money to eat. Struggling to get where I am in the future. I might sound like I’m not grateful for my life now but no, I am extremely grateful. It shaped me. I have zero regret being me. One day I’ll sit in a very comfortable couch in my house watching movie with my husband and mesmerizing the hard time I had getting all these and thank myself for working on to get ‘this bread’ lol. Until then, let’s get this damn bread first. 🙂

writing is one of my escapes of the shitty reality. ironic, cause all i write about is of reality. | 20yo
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