Them (ii)

Someone said, “Knowing everything is a curse.”

Yup, totally agree with this. It is a curse that breaks your heart in piece even the things that you know doesn’t involve you even a slightest.

Even till now, I’m still not sure if I was given a chance to turn back the time, I would choose to not know about it or to know everything about it.

It all started with an incident and after that, every little dark secrets just came out one by one, that at one point I couldn’t handle anymore. It was a wrong decision to tell me that secret, because I’m not a good secret keeper. A bad one. I’m sorry. I know what your intention and as much as I appreciated it, sometimes I wish you never tell me about it. I think we both wished the same thing right?

Then, the night when we played the truth or dare game was one hell of a night that I wish no one knew about it. Thank god that no one has ever brought that up again. How I wish I can just erase that night from my memories like it never happened.

Knowing you have kept that secrets for so long breaks me to pieces to think how the hell you able to keep it for so long?

Seeing all of you struggling with it and all that things happened to you makes me wonder why in the world I see all of you as the weak one when you are the strongest one at heart.

Keeping a secret that is so important scares me like hell because I’m a bad secret keeper so I chose not to be around other people besides you so the secret is safe.

And was chosen to know all these secrets makes me think why me, why I need to know this? What Allah is trying to teach me here?

And it got me thinking whether I should stay or walk away? Even I never thought that I’ll stay till now.

And because of those secrets, there are people who choose to walk away from you, causing me feeling torn apart between you and them.
I love you guys so much that I never forget every bit of our memories together. You guys saved me from my collapsed world, you were there when I abruptly cry for no reason, you guys put up with my shits even it hurts you like hell, you guys make me smile even after I’ve been through a fucked up day, you guys the one who I can be clingy with without feeling insecure, you guys the only boys that I showed my side that no one ever seen before. I let loose of my control with you guys as if I never had limitation with you. And with all that, how can I forget all of you?

But, let’s face the truth. This friendship has gone way beyond that we need to remind ourselves that it shouldn’t be like this. Or at least for me, it has crossed the line I once draw, it has break the wall I once build and letting this happened to me is hurting me so much that I need to stop. I’m so afraid of future where all of you are not there anymore. When everybody was so busy with life, I know we will magically forget about this and slowly left, leaving me remembering all the details of our memories.

I was once there before, I know. It hurts me so much that I can’t afford to go through it again.

Goodbye my friends. Thanks and sorry for everything. I love you.

I can fake my feelings
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