The First.

Long before I met you
I was just a girl
Was lost
Misunderstood, never taken for good.

It was dawn that you texted me
14 minutes before prayer
All in a hassle, a complete stranger
I could smell a beautiful mess
-of you, your words and your heart.

Good height, 174cm stood up straight
Amazing flanker, was very athletic
A tough build, a very handsome smile
-one that could light up this tiny universe of mine

So intelligent, engineering is a passion
Language is as subtle as a lover
Sank in the words of love
and eloquent beauty
of symbolism.

Didn’t rush, didn’t wait too long.
Hooked up so fast, I could feel my heart beating
My knees were trembling
My hands were shaking

Maybe, just maybe
-the arrival of something
I could only imagine in Disney.
of something
-only Cinderella could have.

A prince, as good as words could compliment.
A drive, a dream came true
The most magnificient wish became a reality.
I really loved him, I really did.

But, I wish I could’ve known it earlier
nobody ever told me that

you’ll leave
you’ll leave
you’ll leave

The heart wasn’t beating
The body wasn’t moving
The world turned black
Pitch, pitch black

No notes, no messages
No double ticks or even grey ticks
No updates on the Gram
No retweets no likes,

No nothing.

Forever as I could remember
And there was no words of comfort
No validations, no soothing quotes.

I realised that- nothing could match up this feeling.
What would you do when the worst things happened?
What do you change inside to survive
to live
to forget
to even move on?

Who do you have to become?
Your galaxy was shut.
Him, him.
He was gone, forever.

Nothing could bring him back, not even the memories.
Not even your endless prayers
not even the sweet messages
the anniversaries
the hours, minutes and seconds

Of being entirely together.
living with this constant sadness
of missing a person
That will never be alive anymore.

I will never have the chance to hear anything about him from my friends
Not even a peek of his Whatsapp Statuses
Not even a glance of his life
Not even an eye to watch him from anywhere any longer.

Years, of living in denial
The prince- still lives inside of me.
Accompanying my soul
Walking through my journey of life.

I am seeing this world now, with his eyes.
Feeling everything in life now, with his heart.
Found myself doing the things he loved
Eating his favorite food,

Going to his college,
Sit on the same field as him,
Grasping everything- just everything
Back to life again.

Its a habit
I have a habit of remembering everything too much.
I have a habit of noticing anything so deeply.

Memories, smiles
laughters, songs
The sound of the guitar
The silky transition of white and black piano key
Everything just hurts too much.

I never asked for this.
I never asked God for you
-never. I never did.
I never prayed for getting you.

I was just asking for love
He gave me one.
Yes, he gave me you
But I wasn’t lucky as them.

You left me the second I realised how much I loved you
The moment I began to share a sacred region of my heart with you
The time when I was really, really in love with you
The time when I decided to love you


Up to these days,
I searched for you almost in everyone.
Nobody have your soul, a very comforting one.
Nobody owns your heart, the one that could make one heart’s pounding of its existence.

I will never see your face again
will never see your smile.
Will never hear your laugh
or sing- or cry.

I will never see you again,
but I will never stop telling the world
and myself too,

That you are the first.

Maybe everyone could have some love to say goodbye, at least.
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