Strong/Weak?

It’s always refreshing to feel the breeze of the air that swings wavily into my room.
That’s just how calming it is to witness such feels in the morning as I woke up..

And I would always hear the voice of the one that means everything to me, which is my mother. She’d call me just at any time of the day and night, she wouldn’t know what I was doing or what I am up to at the moment, but that’s just how my alarm works.

I’m not complaining, but I am glad.

I’m glad that I know, she still needs me. I’m thankful that I have at least something much more worth doing. But little do you know,
I do feel very sad at times.

She needs me. To get her up, hold her, bathe her, help her with her clothes, give her medications, make wudhu’ for her, accompany her in just anything that she wants to do. I’ve been writing down in her pain diary about all of her medications, the time that she took them, and especially the pain score- for a year or more. Imagine not feeling anything or so numb doing all that? Just how? You won’t. You’d feel the same as how I’d feel, you can hardly bet that.

Day by day, week by week, time by time. I just feel like I really need to prepare myself. For everything. I know how dramatic this may seem and sound like, but I really need to get myself ready. You know the feeling when someone keeps talking about losing faith? Or at least you know they’re not losing it, but they just feel so helpless and how their life’s just full of guilt.

Sometimes she complains, about how painful it is to act well and healthy in front of people, how hurt and guilty she is to ask for too much help at the same people over and over again, how lonely she is when I’m not there because I was back in college.

I, on the other hand, am a very sensitive person. Like very. I can’t help it if someone just cries in front of me, I would cry too. I can’t stand it if someone shares me their deepest sorrows, I’d genuinely cry. Yeah, I know. I am that drama queen ๐Ÿ’๐Ÿป

Back to what I was saying, I just couldn’t help myself seeing my mother in pain. Especially when it comes to the severe one, she’ll definitely cry. I know I couldn’t feel what she feels, but I can somehow understand that by feeling the grip of her hand on mine whenever she’s in pain. I feel so stupid for not being able to do anything to help, but to rub her back slowly and asking her to istighfar or zikr, as I know it may help her feel relieved, at the very least.

Whenever I felt so teary I would’ve just gone to my bedroom for no apparent reason, and I’d just let it out there myself, even just for a few seconds. Because I know, she wouldn’t like it to see me cry in front of her nor feeling sad because of her. She’d always ask me to hold on and help myself whenever I see her at her worst, because she needs me to help her fight for it. And as time goes by, I did it. I did it for her.

I’ve learnt that our mothers are the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to each and every one of us. Therefore, being appreciative and show them our care are also the ways to repay them for all that they’ve done for us. What’s more important- make du’a for our parents and never ever leave them for something unworthy. Besides, what’s more worthy than making your parents proud and happy because of you? That’d be the best feeling ever.

Glad that I have the time to write this. At least one of my deepest feeling’s un-trapped. Didn’t mean to ask for sympathy and stuff, it’s just a way for me to let some things out that I couldn’t do by talking.

As the wind blows and the sun shines through my windows, I can’t help but to ask myself,

Am I that strong or as just as weak?

Simply writes for myself.
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