It’s funny when you suddenly find yourself, looking from the outside. Standing there, watching events take place and you find yourself completely isolated. It’s like you’re an outsider inside your own world. You ask yourself, why do I feel this way? Why do you feel like there’s a deep hollow hole inside of you? And, why do you feel so wrong when you’re at the right place? You try so hard to find the answer but you couldn’t, so you end up staying wide awake, all night long. Nothing specific is in your mind but you couldn’t sleep and you can’t seem to figure out the reason why.
You try to fill the gap with friends; it doesn’t work. You try to fill it with sports and exercises; doesn’t work either. And you try to fill it by keeping yourself busy so you wouldn’t have to think about it. Yet, it just doesn’t seem to work.
Then, it hits you.
How long has it been since you wake up and pray your heart when everybody else is in deep slumbers? How long has it been since you flip a page of the Quran and actually try to figure the meaning of it instead of just reading it? How long has it been since you cry in your sujoods? And how long has it been since you last mind your hasbunAllah?
And when you realized it, you feel like crying. You feel like you’re falling apart. It’s like your heart has been stabbed, tore open to the core. And that’s when you realized, you have strayed. And the sense of emptiness tugging you every now and then is Allah’s way of reaching out to you, calling you to find you way back. Back to Him.