What I will write later on may not sounds nice. Because its not poetry or some short story. It just, I write for my heart.
Tadi gaduh besar dengan my last sibs. Tell ya, he is only 10 but I cant handle him anymore. He is such a jerk. I mean, does 10 years old brother called his sister ‘babi’ and ‘bodoh’? Do your sibs do that often? Do they show you their middle finger? Do they torture you mentally daily? Do they? I just cant handle it anymore. I just cant.
I usually just ignore all those feelings until today, all the wrath was bursted out. I finally said something that I dont really know either I mean it or not. I literally said this to his face “kau tak patut hidup”. And when this incident happened, I got other two brothers at the same place. Trying to stop me from hitting him or saying more words that I shouldnt say.
Telling you guys, how bad the situation is. I have this one brother who doesnt show his anger. A very patient one. A guy who always make things better. I didnt remember seeing him shouting with anger in the past. But just now, yes just now. He did it. He fcking shouted at the last sibs. He really did it. Again, Man. I am sorry for all those things eventhough I know you will never read this.
And thats when I finally realize, that I am just tired with my life. I am fucking tired. My family isnt broken but I am. I hold things for so long until I no longer feel my house is my home. World is my escape. Thats when I finally understand why I will always volunteer to go out to buy groceries or even pick up siblings, mom and sending dad away. Just because my heart is no longer there. The saying ‘HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS’ is no longer valid on me 🙂
It may sound childish guys. And i dont even care if it is. Because what I write is just an incident over thousands more with other family member. And right now, I am thinking. Is it me or him that shouldnt exist?