S is for Stockholm



It poured that night. Heavy thuds against the soil, wafting a familiar scent that provided something of a consolation. It was dark. But then again, it was always dark. I shifted slightly, accepting whatever small comfort I could get from the limited space I was put in. My throat was coarse, my breath short. My tears no longer wet. I can’t remember the last time I cried. Time wasn’t something I bother catching up to anymore. I could barely see the sun rays through the cracks between the wooden pane. And since the weather’s unpredictable, I stopped trying to tell.


My wrists were sore, arms numb. But I’m getting quite used to the pain. I found that if I stopped wiggling so much, it wouldn’t be that painful. So, I stopped trying. The heavy rain brought along their toughest winds. It was howling outside. I wasn’t afraid, though. There was nothing to be afraid of. Urgh. Where is he?


A loud thud woke me up. Wait, when did I fall asleep? The wind was quiet now, what was once a pour now barely whispers. The earthy smell of rain against soil lingered heavy. Petrichor. That was the name of the smell. Petrichor. I smiled. Petrichor.


There’re chains rattling. Oh wait. Yes. Something woke me. The door to the shed finally opened. He’s here! Finally. I missed him. Why did it take so long? His scent immediately registered in my brain as the realisation of him finally appearing after .. 4? 5 days? Oh, I was hungry. I hope he has something good for me.


I hear the nails coming out. I hear him grunting as he had to try a bit harder on a nail that went in a bit crooked, making it a little more difficult for him to pull out. I counted the amount. 10. There were 10 nails. Every time there were more. There used to be only 7.


My anticipation starting to rise. Oh please oh please let it be something good. I’m really hungry. The lid was lifted slightly, and I see him peeking in. I looked up at him. I imagined I looked like a deer to him. My big doe eyes just staring back. My big eyes. They were always my greatest feature. My mom told me I had the biggest, most adorable eyes she had ever seen. I used it a lot. Throwing back a puppy dog stare to get what I want. It usually worked. I hope it works now. I’m really hungry.


He saw me. “Ah. You’re awake.” He grinned. He lifted the lid off my small personal box. It’s so good that he custom made the box especially for me. “Kau aku punya”, he once said. He did this because he didn’t want anyone else to see me. I was his, and his alone. He loves me so much.


He lifted me up. Not that difficult after all the weight I lost. Thank god. I was meaning to shed those last couple of pounds. See, this all happened for a reason. I reached my weight goal! So many things for me to be grateful about him.


Fries. I smell fries. I smell McDonald fries. I’m so hungry. I looked around and behind him, I saw the brown paper bag with the iconic M symbol that everybody knew. My dry mouth watered ever the slightest as I imagined myself munching those juicy, thin fries.


He laughed. “Nak makan ke? kesian dia.. lapar ya?” He laughed. I whimpered.


“Meh, baby. Come here.”


He carried me out of my box and set me down, his fingers brushed an exposed nipple, then rested his palm against my womanly mould. I stopped fighting his wandering hands months ago. I learned the hard way that fighting this would only hurt me more. And I really was so so hungry.


“Baby, you know you have to give me something first before getting your treat.”


But I’m so hungry..


He untied my wrists. He knew I wouldn’t run. Why would I run? He had food. Only he could get me food.


I didn’t watch him undress, only heard him strain trying to get his shirt over his head. Wasn’t anything to look at anyway. His protruding belly covering so much you can barely see his short, stunted girth. Guess that’s why he needed me. No, I didn’t look at him. I was focused on the food.


He was touching me when it happened. It was all so sudden. The door slammed to the ground as something, someone thudded towards it. Wait, are those dogs I hear? Have there always been dogs barking? Gas. There’s gas everywhere. My eyes are hurting now. He pushed me down. No not the food. I have to save the food. I crawled towards the brown paper bag. I held it close to me as I sat and hugged my knees to my chest. The food is safe now. I shut my eyes. The gas stung hard. I shut my eyes and hugged myself tighter.


There were a lot of noises. People shouting. People? Men. There were other men. No, it can’t be one of those parties again. But this is different. These men sound aggressive. I hope they’re not too aggressive. My once plump body is now too skinny to take too much. Please don’t let it be one of those parties.


I peeked between the pain. He’s on the floor. Why is he on the floor? There were men on him. On him. This is a weird party.


“Dik.. dik.. adik ok x? Ya Allah, dik.. What did he do to you?”


When did I reach outside?  Where am I? What’s happening?


“Dik, you’re okay now. We’re taking you home.”


But I don’t want to go home. Where’s my McDonald’s? He promised me McDonalds.


“Dia ingat apa-apa tak? Is she responding?”

“No. And not surprising. Setahun kita cari dia. It’s amazing she’s still alive.”


… I just wanted my McDonald’s.


I write nonsense, really. None of it makes any sense
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