Reminiscing my old self

These past few weeks, I realize that I am being over sensitive. Kuat sentap. Bila aku ajak kawan-kawan pergi this one place, and diorang gelakkan aku sebab tempat tu mcm noob gila, I feel like crying. Ada jugak last time, bila aku nak beli this makanan and this one person suruh aku amek mana yang ada. I be like, hello, aku ada kacau duit kau ke? And many other things. I am so annoyed sampai rasa macam nak tendang dia.

I remember the last time I felt this was masa sekolah rendah dulu. Semua family members know me as a super duper crazy sensitive person. Don’t talk about me. Don’t yell at me. Don’t say no to me. I want anything that I want. I can sulk and cry all day with being sensitive. Teruk gila. But after masuk asrama, I can manage it. Successfully. No more merajuk merajuk because I realize that not everything revolves around me. It is not about me. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

And as I reflect my old self, I feel like apologizing to every single person yang annoyed dengan perangai busuk tu. I pity my parents and siblings yang kena hadap aku time tu. Lagi lagi pulak bila aku sendiri ada kawan-kawan yang macam tu. Gila weh. Sakit otak aku layan perangai dia.

And now, as I am kinda feeling that kind of feeling right now. I guess the weakness is my own self control. I am quite strict with myself when it comes to emotions. Aku tak suka nak feeling lebih-lebih bila marah orang ke apa. Tapi tipulah kalau tak bengang ke apa kan, cuma I don’t like people seeing that other side of me. Changing ourselves to be a better person is so hard. And maybe these past few weeks ni, I am not really controlling myself. One thing that I always say to myself is this sentence from my best friend. She said, “lagi senang nak pujuk diri kita daripada nak pujuk orang lain.” This sentence is actually so unfair for yourself sebab kalau bukan salah kita, kenapa kita pulak yang nak mintak maaf kan. Tapi for me, I don’t mind kalau setakat benda tah pape.

I am not sure what is the point of this essay. Maybe curahan hati kot. I am feeling better now. I cannot wait to go back to Malaysia and hug my parents. Homesick ngat ni. Tiber. It is time to pull yourself together! Fighting!


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