Things have been a bit chaotic lately. I am constantly swarmed by thoughts, flashbacks, and things I don’t mean to remember. I am turning dark. Every fibre of my being is turning into something I don’t want to be, and I am scared of it.
Anyway, friend. Just want to let you know that I am doing fine here. I’ve always been to Kuantan, but never your grave. I don’t know why really. I guess I’m too scared. I still remember visiting you at the hospital during your last days. Your sister told us that you missed us a lot. Your mother’s “briefing” before we went into your room really made me nervous, despite her soft tone. Then I saw you, and I finally knew why. Sorry that I could only stay for 15 minutes. Your mother told us not to cry – that’s the first thing I felt like doing the very moment I saw you. I went out. I cried my eyes out. It was hard. Sorry.
I did not attend my PhD convocation because I was scared. I might tear up. I don’t need the grandeur of a tassel hat or my scroll handed out by the Sultanah. I don’t need the academic awards. I don’t all these with the expense of having memories flooding back to me and causing me breakdown. I have been alone in this journey with people coming in and out.
I still remember our convocation day. You hated vegetables so much, but after getting cancer, that was pretty much your diet ever since. You were a strong girl. Sitting next to each other in the hall while munching on peanuts was a lot of fun yeah?
Anyway, it’s less than a week to your death anniversary, Chak. You have been gone for what, 4 years? You’ve been gone that long.
I did promise to visit you. I will soon.