I wonder, how many smiles have you forced
Just to avoid spitting my name out of your mouth?
Like raisins from a cookie you thought was chocolate chip.
You bit off a huge part of me and now you can’t swallow,
I sit on the bitter palate of your tongue- you wish you never had me.
Or how many times have you skipped our song
when it comes on your iPod, out of fear of time travel?
Does Alex Turner take you six months back,
slow dancing in my hallway while my parents weren’t home?
And how many times have you returned to the places
where I gave you pieces of me just to put them back?
My heart on the rooftop, my eyes on your pillow,
and my lips in the kitchen, by your oven
where we had 2am cakes and 2.30 am promises,
they were both so sweet.
They both didn’t last long.
What have you done to the empty side of the bed?
How often does hurt slide into the space next to you
under the covers at night?
Do you think of me when it does?
Do you wish I was next to you so there would be no space left for it?
How many words make you cringe because
they all sound like my name?
Do you avoid mirrors because sometimes
the reflection shape shifts into your old promises?
How many walls have you punched
just to make sure my fingers
won’t fit in between yours anymore?
Do you wear two watches on your wrist
because they say time heals all wounds?
Do you eat away your sadness or
do you skip your meals to pretend like it’s not there?
Do you force memories of me
to walk across a tightrope without a safety net?
Can I still trust you that you won’t push me off?
Tell me that our relationship was more than just a balancing act
Do you see me happy in your dreams
and call them nightmares when you wake up?
How many nights have you sacrificed to visit the past
just so you can count
all the ways we could have made it work?
We could’ve made it work.
Do you see my face in your morning tea?
Do you curse the heavens when it burns your tongue like I used to?
How did you forget me so easily?
And I want to know
If missing me comes in waves,
what do you do on nights when the tide is high?
Tell me, do you drown?
Because I am still learning to swim,
I am still choking on saltwater