I stopped checking his social media or even his new girl, the love of his life. Though sometimes I accidentally click on his girl’s Instagram. Intentionally because it appears when I’m searching for others who have the same name or keyword. It hurts so bad, I need to take a good care of my heart. I keep on lying to myself, saying heh I’ll be alright. They are saying “didn’t you moved on already?” The truth is I can’t even handle my tears if I heard about him, even if no one says a thing, he still on my mind for every second I breathe. I guess I loved too hard till it’s killing me deeply inside. I’ve tried to be better, move on. But then I caught myself, thinking about him, about us, about how bad I am as a human to him, or even as someone to be loved. Do I deserve love anyway? I don’t. I tried to be happy, but I couldn’t. No matter how hard or naturally I try, there is no use. I didn’t feel any better. Compared to when I was with him. Nothing feels better, all seems hard. No matter how positive I have tried to be. Nothing feels better. No matter how many times I cut my hair, to start something new, he will still be on my mind. It’s like a drug that has no end in it. The drug I’ve been consumed, when will the effect find its way out? I don’t know what to do without him. I wish for you to come back, I pray for you to enter my life again. Creating our dreams again. I would be so happy to have you in my life back. It is you the only one I want, the only dream I want to be with, the only soul I would rather to find my peace with. I’ll be waiting till the day you come back, I’ve been missing your smile, your genuine smile. When you’re not here, I’ve been feeling lost. Keep on searching for happiness but there is no use cause it’s you, the happiness I’ve been keeping. Tolong, tolonglah pulang… it is you and it will always be you.

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