Nobody should feel this way

I feel like my resilience is getting weak. I guess my way of quick fix doesn’t seem to be working anymore. I feel like I slowly become submissive to these emptiness and loneliness or maybe something that you’d call it a sickness. Nevertheless, it’s like part of me that handles that resilience thing has finally gotten tired of my shit. Maybe because no matter happens that shit stays the same.
Perhaps I’m not hoping anymore. I stop hoping. Heh there’s barely anything to begin with. Waking up felling like shit has become my norm. Sleeping is the only thing I want right now. It’s a cheap escape isn’t it? At least while sleeping, I get to dream. And when I’m dreaming, sweet dream or even nightmare, I feel alive. I feel more alive dreaming than when I’m actually awake. Nobody should feel this way. It’s so hard to keep a straight and smiling faces with just being awake.
I’ve had with all bad luck you know. I am so tired of waiting. This time, I wanna stop trying, I wanna stop fighting. I wanna let go whatever the hell I keep keeping for whatever the hell that’s supposed to be the good reasons that I’m okay. That I’m fine. I am sick. I am lonely. There. I said it. meh what difference that it make? If they know my depression is worse than they thought, would they look at me differently? No? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Nothing changes.
It’s not like I don’t wanna be better. I wanted to. I wanted to feel a little bit normal again. I wanted to feel that I’m mattered. I wanted to feel like I’m somebody’s first choice. Well that’s the thing, I ‘wanted’. Forget about ‘just be patient’ and ‘hang in there’ shit. I’m so tired of that. Right now, I don’t feel like trying anymore. Right now, I just want to be not okay. Until maybe someday I decide that I have enough. Until maybe someday I have enough courage to end it. Someday

la vie en rose
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