my unstoppable inner selfishness

I know im the one who willingly said
“if you want anything, just ask”
So you start asking for most everything that’s mine
It is not your fault
It is my fault as the inner selfish me
I hate sharing
Anything, my things, friends, attention,space
But i know somehow i’ve to help you,
My teacher once said
“out of hundreds of people in this world, you’re the one god give chances to meet her, when she’s in need of help”
My life was great, i have no big problem that make me feel like i wanna kill myself.
Rarely surrounded by this kind of people.
I mean the kind of people who had problem with their financial and families. Well mostly we only care about boys, our love life, and we rebel if our parents wont let us hang out with our friends.. I was surrounded with bunch of teenagers who only care to enjoy their life.
So i met this one friend during college, at first conv we share about what we want here,
Me ; i need to be better, nicer, maybe a nerd but not really because i know i cant, i was trying to let go my dark past,
Her ; she want to move out from nerdy zone, and her dark past was being condemn over everything, easier to say im the type of people from her past

So she wanna join me mostly everything i decided to join, obviously she met my friends, know a lil bit of my families, she said im nicer because i dont pick people to be friends with, because during her old days, people like me only choose to be friends with certain type of people. Little did she know i always put walls for everyone,
But yknow, i always have boundaries with people. I was okay along the first month, but then she start to show how much she wanna live my life, ask for everything, wanna know more about my family, wanna go home with me, BUT NO!

She start to take over my friends, its sokay im not really close with that one either, but me being the selfish me can only help you through my temporary willingness,
And me being the selfish me, stated that you’re not more than just an acquaintance
And me being the selfish me, always hate myself for being so selfish but i hate letting people know everything and take over everything like they know me over anything
And this selfish me, lost so many people because i push people away whenever they’re trying to get close to me more than their limit
But this selfish me, feel safe to be selfish because she cant afford sharing and losing

I cant forgive myself for being so selfish but this is my comfort zone. So stop there.

This side of me i dare to show, because you're just a stranger :)
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