My final letter.
I know the idea of me writing this letter might sound petty and pathetic, but when things got out of control, that is when i started to write.
I woke up a month later, and still feel like I’m missing something. I know that there’s something is not right, and it takes me a while to remember what it is … then i remember. My bestfriend is gone, i lost my bestfriend. I lost you, even when you promised to not leave no matter what happens, but i lost you. I lose you without getting a chance for explanation. It was silly of me to rely so much on one person. It was crazy for me to just lose you after all this time. I thought there could be no worse pain than losing you. I thought i wasn’t going to love again. I thought i will never have to go through another heartbreak. I thought you were the only one who understood me. I thought you were the most special human being. I thought so many beautiful things about you. Until I realized that everything I saw in you was a nightmare that I shouldnt’ve dreamed. But still, you’re my bestfriend that was the best lessons & blessings that ever happened to my life. So i decided to just let it go. I’ve hurt to a point where I can’t hurt no more. My heart has ached, my eyes have teared up, my body has shakened, I’ve done it all. You got the best of me, turning me into the worst of me. I deserve way better than that.
I know that we rarely talk now and I’m sorry for that. But there are a few things that I just have to say, so i know I’ve really moved on. I’m sorry you used me and I’m sorry i let you do it. But most importantly I’m sorry that i trusted you. I gave you everything I could offer and in the end you threw it away cs you couldn’t man up. I’m sorry i told you my secrets and made you feel like you were the most important guy in my life, at the moment. But as the weeks went by, I realized I wasn’t okay with being second or even third on your list. So for that, I’m sorry. Someday, when you settle down and become faithful and loyal, trusting and all, you’re going to remember me. What you did. How you did it. Why you did it. But above all else, why it had to be me. I hope that stays on your mind for the rest of your life.
You were the one person I thought I could go to for anything. If I needed to talk to someone who I knew would listen, no matter what the circumstance, it was you. This year was fun, beautiful, happy, and all.But then, the unthinkable happened, that is when things get tough and tougher but a necessary one. That is when i started to lose my own cheeky smile because of your unstoppable, lame jokes & your presence. In a single moment in time, the undeniably strong bond between us was shattered by an insurmountable truth so rotten, yet so pure.You betrayed me and maybe that’s okay, but you leave me, that is not okay. Its not okay because you promised to not leave even storms comes. And without getting a chance to explain, & things keep getting worse with lies, rumours spreading, but without getting a single chance to make things right, without getting a chance to speak to you, the only bestfriend that I’ve trusted the most, that is when i started to write.
I could have never imagined that losing my best friend was an option, even in a world where options are like the stars. Too many to count, but you know they are all there. Losing you never came to mind. We were like two cats that completely cute together, you were the strength for me after all obstacles I’ve went thru, you were the chocolate to my brownies, you were the cone to my sundae, I was the sister you never had, and you were like my twin who was separated from me at birth. And I just love how you can soothes a burning heart of mine, and a power that you have to stops my teary eyes and make me happy 2 seconds after that.
Just because we don’t talk anymore like we used to, just because we didn’t share french fries and dip it in our sundae anymore, just because we didn’t share our mineral bottle anymore, just because we didn’t plan to wear the same outfit anymore, just because we didnt “take turns” anymore, just because you didn’t help to finish my foods anymore, just because you didn’t laugh at my jokes anymore, just because you’re not there for me anymore, just because I can’t cry at you anymore, just because we didn’t shared our pitza anymore, just because I didn’t bake you cookies or cakes anymore, just because I didn’t cook for you anymore, just because we didn’t sing together anymore, just because we didnt listen to our favourite songs together anymore, just because we didn’t randomly went to mid valley anymore, just because we didn’t shared our notes anymore, just because there’s no more clumsy stories anymore, just because we can’t share our dreams & fears anymore, just because I can’t share my nightmares with you anymore, just because we didn’t raise our hand at the same time and pray when its raining anymore, just because I can’t tell you how was my day anymore, just because I can’t spam you with my cats anymore, just because I’m not the one that you go for when you don’t feel like yourself anymore, just because you didn’t get excited to see me anymore, just because you don’t “hewwo” at me after lost in a game anymore, just because I can’t see you laugh & smile at me anymore, just because i didnt calls you just to go to toilet at 2am and brush my teeth anymore, just because you stopped making jokes just to cheer me up anymore, just because you stopped being my bodyguard anymore, just because i stopped being annoyed, just because we didn’t stay up late just to bake your cookies anymore, just because we didn’t sacrifices for each other anymore, just because there’s no more randomly outing anymore, just because I’m not your shadow and protect you from what I see anymore, that doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten about you, it doesn’t mean that i no longer care. Truth is, i tried my best to accept all of things that happen. And I forgave you for betraying me. Truth is, I still care. I do my best to check up on you, to see how you’re doing. To see if you’re okay, but every time i get the urge to talk to you, it suddenly hits me that, we’re strangers, you pushed me away, hence the reason why I’m no longer a part of you. But, even though everything’s changed, I just want you to know that, I’m still here. I’ll still be here for you. I’ll still lend you my shoulders and my ears. Because i got no time to keep hating you. After all, I’m still the girl that teach you how to eat sundae with fries.
I hope that you take a good care of you, you deserves the best. Even when you think you don’t, but still you deserves the best. Make yourself laugh and smile cause those are two amazing parts of you. When you gets angry or upset, don’t take it too personally, don’t think about it too deeply, distracts yourself from it, do something that can cheer you up, hype you up, find something or someone that can make your heart feel the ease, the peace that you seek. Do something that will always make you happy! Don’t do something that might hurt you, your heart don’t deserves it & I don’t want you to be sad. I just hope that you grown up and be a strong man, but sometimes being soft makes you look more like my bestfriend.
As awful as it sounds, in reality, some things must come to an end. You choose whether to fight for it or not. You choose to breach the contract or not. You choose to leave or to stay. You choose everything in your life. Because life is full of choices & I choose to stand & stay despite of everything that happens. Ill keep on walking on this path. Eventhough it is difficult & depressing. Because i know that I’ll ripe the best fruit of this effort at the end of this journey. And as you know, you can try to force things, but in the end you can’t make things fit if they’re not right. As much as we wish they were, some things just aren’t meant to be, and I have come to realize that things will only work out if this street is run two-ways.
We might not have worked out, but losing you as my bestfriend is unthinkable, & still I can’t accept it because you gave me so much strength to stand back, you taught me how to be positive even when obstacles comes, you taught me to be myself, you taught me how to smile even when the tears drops, you taught me so much thing that i feel like getting new chance to live this cruel world. But i truly hope the best for you because you weren’t a bad person, you’re such a wonderful person that Allah send to me when i have no one, but our lives just needed to head in different directions. You needed to work on you and I needed to work on me, and I hope everything worked out just fine for you.
Maybe now we met at the wrong timeline, but I’ll keep praying that we met again, at the right timeline, later.
Despite of everything that happened, I’ve never questioned why Allah placed me where I am right now – I’ve never questioned why Allah tested you and me, perhaps because I believe that He knows what best for me and what’s best for you. Perhaps He knows everything while we know not.
He knows, how much I prayed for you. He knows how much i love the bond between us, He knows how many times i seek for His help just to make things right between us, He knows how much I ask Him to protect our friendship and to protect you wherever you are because He is the only Protecting Friend, He knows how much I prayed that everything goes well for you, and ease everything for you, He knows everything, every single thing in my heart and in yours, from the biggest to the tiniest things. Despite of everythingthat happen, I always, always hope the very best for you. I thank God for lending me you even just for a while.
And at the moment when you prayed for someone, and the tear drops, only He knows, how sincere your heart was,
and He will never let a single tear drop, if He himself cannot dry.
And truly, none of us is ever alone and that when we do anything for Allah, He will always send us good people to help us in our day to day. Maybe He send me you as a bestfriend for reasons and maybe we’re no longer the best duo, there must be a reason too.
Thanks for showing up suddenly in my life & be my best duo & suddenly disappeared.
Anyway, I’ll keep praying that sooner or later, things will eventually goes back to where it should be. Like we can literally laugh and share everything together. Like nothing in this world could separate us from being bestfriend.
To sum up, Ill always be the person who keep smiles eventhough you are not smiling back. Ill be the person who spread the kindness eventhough I’m not receiving it.
If you are reading this right now, i hope something really great happens for you, today, tomorrow and forever and I hope that, everything will eventually gets better for me, you, us.
Ya Allah, if it’s the best for us, if it will bring us closer to You, please ease everything for both of us and please protect our heart from hatred, bestowed us with a strong heart and a heart that always see the good in everything, and show us our way back, Amin.
And as i continue reading from some mailing list, it says : I also started to ponder, and ask, why did Allah made me pray for something so hard, and so fervently, if He wasn’t going to give it to me? And for how much longer should I wait?
At that moment, He gave me an answer:
“I will never turn away from the prayers of a sincere slave, and if I’ve moved your heart to ask, trust that I will give. Just not in the way that you have imagined, nor in a time that you’ve set. Also, stop and look around you – which of My favours that I’ve already given you, will you deny?”
So to end my final letter,
I guess, this will be the first and final goodbye, goodbye bestfriend, i lost you before I turned 20, it was hard for me to say goodbye as you know that i really hate goodbyes — it was always beautiful with you — every single spent, thankyou.
May He protect you, in his loving hands, for me, Amin.
So thankful for you. Everyday.
With prayers always,