It took me so much times before I realized－the only precious moment that will lead me to a beautiful life is to knowing my worth.
I was too depend on everyone for my happiness. I used to believe that happiness comes when others give it first, and I’ll take it in second. But then I realized, when people stop giving me that－I was empty and have no source for my own happiness. When those things happened, I was lost and I’m in dryness with the taste of a sweeter life. So I’m started to begging for that. I forgot about my value, I cried, I make myself looks pathetic and weak－just to earn some love and attentions from people who doesn’t have any intentions to give it in a first place. I was stupid for giving others the power for my own destruction. Now they know, they finally make myself believe that I would never be happy without them, without their help.
I said sorry for thousand times and begging “please be nice to me” and I know this is so heartbreaking. I should never beg for anyone to love me, to care for me, to treat me nicely. But I was hopeless. All I ever wanted is to ease my pain and gain my happiness back. I was wrong, totally wrong. There is no happiness in begging and there is no happiness in asking. I was homeless, but I ain’t the one who asking for shelter and money. I’m that type of homeless－begging to be loved.
I’m blinded with the fake fact which I believe, I would never be happy again. I was blaming myself and cursing myself, “why am I not good enough? If only I was that good, I’m sure everyone will love me.” As much as I hate everyone for ignoring me, I hate myself million times more. I love everyone else more than I love myself. I care for their feelings more than I care about mine. I cried every night knowing that I’m useless, I would never make anyone happy with my presence. I was losing myself in a way to win everyone’s heart. I’m at the edge hoping someone would notice, but at the end I’m the one who helping myself. From the edge of my own destruction, I was there to make everyone happy.
I know I have anger issues. I know I get mad with countless times. I never wanted it to be that way. If only they could see, I’m tired and lost my faith. I was hoping someone to notice and see how much they have cause damage in my life, but it seems like it would never be happened. So I get mad. I didn’t know why I get mad. Is it because nobody knows and care－or－because I’m mad with myself for still hoping that people will love me back like how they used to do to me.
But now, I finally see the light.
I know what I have to do if I want to be happy.
I can’t make anyone to love me as much as I asked for, I would never will.
But I can love myself better.
And now, I stop depending on others, anymore. I stop begging and asking to be loved by anyone. I was here all along－to love myself, to care and to treat myself nicely. I stop worrying about people who doesn’t worry about me. I stop giving too much to those who didn’t give me a little. I stop thinking if they’re having a great day but think about my day, first. I stop asking others if they were okay and started to ask myself first if I’m okay. I stop thinking about people’s feeling and started to think about mine first. Whatever that cause me pain, that hurt me, and disturb me, I put it aside now. I grow out of begging and asking why people treat me bad. I stop feeling bad about myself when nobody was there to love me and I started to love me, first. Maybe this is the time where I should make things that I never do before. Maybe I should start new things and make myself proud before I make others to proud with me. I finally can see how beautiful I am. Since I know my worth, I never feel hurt anymore. When people ignored me, I literally feel nothing. I just feel like, this is my life. The only time that will be wasted is my time. The only life that will be upside down is my life. The only person who’s going to be sad is me, myself and I. There’s so many options, why should I choose to be sad? Now I decided to be happy, with or without anyone’s help. One day, when I have my own money and job, I will go and travel the world and spread the love how much you need to know your worth before you started to love anyone else. I grow out of negative things so much. And I proud with myself. Nobody can hurt me and I won’t hurt myself anymore. I didn’t care if people found me different and change. I love myself now, I put a caution tape in my life and I would never be that stupid person, again.
It is time to open some dark eyes. You are more than the colour of your skin, you are important. All those nights that you spend crying, stop. You’re the winner in that battlefield. There’s nothing to fight anymore. You might lose everyone but the most important thing is, you found yourself. Stop worrying, what are you worrying for anyway? Do you part in this world and God will show you the way. Your smile speaks life to the lifeless and to love to the unloved. Promise me you won’t lose yourself ever again. You are one amazing girl, that will blossom into wonderful woman someday. I love you.