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Excitement

June 23, 2016 in Uncategorized

As Raya is approaching us, I’m more than inclined to repeat the same sentence I said almost every year since I was fourteen. I’m not excited. Like many other bitter grown ups, I think as I grow up; the sparks in celebrating Raya have decreased dramatically. Almost gone, really. I don’t find it necessary anymore to buy new clothes, new shoes, new everything. I don’t look forward to meet relatives I never met before; or at least I don’t remember who the fuck they are. I’m tired of answering the same damn questions. No, I don’t know when it’s my turn to get married. And then it hit me.

It’s not Raya in particular really. Hardly anything gets me excited these days. I am bitter, sceptical, cynical, critical towards almost everything. And that irritates me to my bones. I’m turning into Squidward that I used to hate with all my guts. I can no longer be Spongebob that gets excited over everything nor Patrick; true practitioner of ignorance is bliss. Obviously I don’t enjoy being someone who’s hardly fazed and prefer to stay indoor during holidays than meeting people and chat about the stupidest things.

I am dying inside. The bitterness is wreathing my soul. My room reeks of metaphor blood, lacking of love. My hands are trembling at the edge of writing a letter to my young self; cherish the little things. Ignore the reality. Be merry.

Oh well.

 

Last Night

June 4, 2016 in Uncategorized

Last night I saw the view of the city, it’s beautiful and it made me happy. And then I thought of happiness and how is everyone trying to be happy. I mean, that’s the whole point of living right? To be happy. But I am reminded too; of a question that begs all of my attention. What is the true source of happiness? Is it the one you love, the things you do, music you hear, movies you watch, or simply everything, if anything at all?

Often we forget.

It’s not the one you love. It’s not the things you do. It’s not the music you hear. It’s certainly not the movies you watch. It’s simply you. You let yourself be happy when you’re around people you love. You let yourself be happy by the things you do. You let yourself be happy with the music you hear. You let yourself be happy by the movies you watch.

It’s all you.

On every other night you sob to loneliness, punching walls, staring at the ceilings, thinking how lonely you are amidst these starless nights. Maybe you sleep to sad songs, crying, weeping, pitying yourself. No one is around you. You’re alone. Really?

Have you forgotten something?

We are all alone in this universe. Literally, metaphorically, scientifically(even it’d be creepier if we’re not scientifically alone). You’re gonna die alone. The people around you, the things around you, everything if anything at all is temporary. Nothing is ever permanent, not even your memory of this writing which you’re probably gonna forget five minutes after reading it.

But that’s okay.

It’s okay that you often let feelings delude you into thinking you’re in love with someone when you’re actually not. It’s okay that you often fall in love with the idea of someone instead of the real her. It’s okay that you once saw this world in optimistic eyes but you see nothing but dark, gloomy and blurry future if there was even one now. It’s okay if you think everything is pointless now. Listen to me, it’s okay. You can’t control the situation but you can for sure control your reaction. So sit tight, smile and watch the whole world collapses right before your eyes.

Brace yourself.

KILL ME

FUCK ME

STOP ME

SHOOT ME

BURN ME

But I will never succumb to the idea of whatever I’m feeling is the contribution of the world. I am what I am because of what I do. I’ve arrived here because of what I did. It’s all on me. And the same thing goes to you. It’s all on you.

And maybe, just maybe I would be able to live like this. Maybe you too.

Goodbye Halcyon Days

June 1, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

our talk about the future
we will make it through
all i ever asked of you
is a chance to make it true
 
you told me not to worry
that you won’t leave me
i guess that’s why words are free
because they are just words and you can let it be
 
i screamed in sound of despair
i tell god it’s fucking unfair
for you to leave me there
i wasn’t prepared
 
i guess this is goodbye
i will hold on
as long
as i can
 
goodbye halcyon days
P/S: this is something I wrote back in 2012 when I got my heart broken for the first time lolxd

5 Minutes

May 28, 2016 in Uncategorized

last night I was thinking to myself, after 23 years of living what have I achieved?

after 23 years of living, why am I still doubting?

I’ve decided
and I hope this time it stays

5 minutes of euphoria with her means so much more than the rest of my life

and I questioned the significance of my life but I’ve decided

I’m not going to overthink this
I’m not going to ruin this
I’m not going to regret this
I’m going to enjoy this as long as it lasts
I’m going to cherish this moment
5 minutes of euphoria with her is all I need
to erase all the rest
all other mess
5 minutes

this is escapism and usually it won’t last
like esctasy it makes you feel good
but you will wake up feeling groggy
and all you could do is reminisce
of the night before
or
you could take another one
and escape again
it doesn’t matter really
because the end game is all the same
you just want to be happy
you just want to be
you just want

Killers, Liars And Nine False Gods

May 21, 2016 in Uncategorized

If faint hearted heed me not
for I am going to boil some blood
the blood of the innocent and ignorant

what of yesterday made you stand here
like the way it is?
I am going to whisper it
the tale of the truth
of killers and liars

we walked down the empty promises road
full of nothing but undelivered words
but they got us and they got us everytime
for we are vulnerable
and we are gullible
they were like pigeons
flying over us, commanding the skies
chirping nothing but empty lies
but we ate the bait
and we would do it again

what of yesterday made you stand here
like the way it is?
I am going to whisper it
the tale of the truth
of the nine false gods

they are all and all they are
the mighty false gods
I would ask the same question Bruce Wayne asked Kal El
do you bleed?
(and I know)
you do
if I cut you, you will bleed
and you will bleed red
like the rest of us
but they said
your Forefather found this land
so you can command these men
for you are the incarnation of divinity
symbol of immortality
BUT THEY ARE ALL LIES
THEY ARE ALL LIES

I am a hater of democracy
I am a hater of monarchy
I am a hater of lies and conspiracy

but men, heed me now
and heed me well
I am going to whisper it
the tale of the truth

of why Jebat betrayed the Sultan
of why Fawkes betrayed King James
of why Brutus betrayed Caesar

they walked down the same road we did
they saw what we are seeing
they felt what we are suffering
our hunger and our pain
are not exclusive
and freedom will become ever more elusive
like dead flowers, we will wilt
like Dracula’s victims, we will be sucked dry
if I still need to whisper this
from the killers and liars
and the nine false gods

It’s Only 9PM

May 18, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

It’s only 9pm but I’m already feeling the blues of 2am
I wonder why I’m having this staring competition
with ceilings and walls
maybe because I see my life story
on the ceilings and on the walls
I’m reminded of my ex
I’m reminded of what I did
I’m reminded of the future I can’t see
I’m reminded of things I could’ve been
things we could’ve been

It’s only 9pm but I’m already feeling lonely
thinking of how I used to wanna go against the world
thinking of how I was gonna change the world
thinking of how I was gonna leave my marks
once visionary, once ambitious
and now I’m stuck with loneliness
and I’m stuck here, reminiscing
like it’s gonna change a damn thing

It’s only 9pm but I’m already feeling down
I’m reminded of shoelaces I never finished tying
of stories I haven’t found the proper ending
of the fact my ex has a new boyfriend
of plans I never got to execute
they keep changing
my plans and my friends
tick tock the clock keeps ticking
and I can’t do a damn thing

I’m not romanticizing this
I hate romanticizing the wrong things
like a bad breakup or being lonely
but sometimes I seek solace in solitude
sometimes I find pleasure in embracing loneliness
sometimes I think it’s a good thing to be sad
because once this is over
once I’m done writing
I’m gonna be happy
well, I hope

I Don’t Miss You

May 11, 2016 in Uncategorized

I don’t miss you
but your company at 2am in the morning
those long and warm hugs
slow, sloppy kisses
eyes screaming; I want you

I don’t miss you
but your stories and your whining
holding hands; kissing cheeks
satisfying your cravings
and those three words
I thought was eternal
but no

I don’t miss you
no I don’t
just the warmth of your skin
bubble of your butt
smell of your perfume
to the core of your scent
and sound of your breath

I don’t miss you
and you’re no longer here
away you went with what’s mine
heart pounding
eyes sparkling
no; you took them with you
away you went

I don’t miss you.

100 Dates(Part 2)

May 9, 2016 in Short Story/Cerpen

Click here for Part 1(lol) https://tulis.co/100-datespart-1/

I was looking at her beautiful presence in disbelieve. No, not that I didn’t believe such a beautiful being could exist but the same exact words were uttered. The same exact thing was ordered. Oh wow. I really turned back time didn’t I.

As she was trying to choose which chicken from 5 chicken wings she ordered to eat first, I was still in confusion. Now how am I gonna do this. Do I ask the same questions?

“You okay? You’ve been quiet..”

Oh shit. She noticed. I was too busy thinking of what to do on this second 1st date. I tried really hard remembering what I asked before to avoid asking the same..

“Why are you not eating? Are you allergic to chickens or something..”

“Noooo!”  I denied. I took a bite. Sweet mother of chicken, this chicken is so sweet I bet the chef is Kelantanese.

I ended up staying quiet the whole time we were eating. I felt like punching myself in the face for wasting the second chanc… Wait. When we exited the restaurant I closed my eyes and said the magic words. Maybe, just maybe…


“I’m sorry, did I make you wait?” she said while smiling so innoc… Hell yeah! I’m not going to screw it up this time!


14 first dates later…

“I’m sorry, did I make…”

“Yes you did oh my God! Just how many times are you going to repeat that sentence?!”

She looked confused. Oops, stupid me. I closed my eyes and said the magic words for the 15th time.


After 33 first dates I learnt many things. First, she doesn’t like chicken wings. So I took her to many different places until the 18th date where I finally asked where she would want to go to eat. I pretty much knew everything about her after asking different questions every time. But I still failed to make her to like me everytime as I kept finding a way to ruin the date, every single time.

But what really kept me going was her smile and her laugh. That radiant, moonshine, beguiling smile. And that weird laugh. Everytime she laughed she would squint her eyes and she always laughed uncontrollably, almost contagious. I wouldn’t mind repeating that scene over and over again for that laugh.

On the 55th date I finally learnt something that changed everything that happened afterwards. Yes, after 55 first dates. I suck.

I Wouldn’t Know What Would I Do

May 8, 2016 in Uncategorized

I wouldn’t know what would I do

if she weren’t there to wake me up every morning

if she weren’t there to be the first person I see

if she weren’t there to make me breakfast

if she weren’t there to see me out.

 

I wouldn’t know what would I do

if she weren’t there when I get home every  night

if she weren’t there to greet me with such a beautiful smile

if she weren’t there to ask me about my days

if she weren’t there to ask me whether I’m still hungry.

 

I wouldn’t know what would I do

if she didn’t sacrifice her youth

if she didn’t sacrifice her own needs

if she didn’t bear all the pain then,

and all the pain now; I know she’s a little lonely,

for her soulmate left her a little early

I was twelve and she had to do it alone

raising us brothers all by herself.

 

I wouldn’t know what would I do

and I really don’t want to know

for I’m really thankful

that I didn’t need to know.

Happy Mother’s Day

 

100 Dates(Part 1)

May 7, 2016 in Uncategorized

This is the 100th date and I’ve tried everything. Literally everything. I know everything about her but I still can’t make her like me. Why God, why? Why did you let me try a hundred times only to fail a hundred times? Oh well, I’ll just try for 101st time.

“No. I forgot to tell you but your limit is 100. You can’t use this power anymore. I mean, who the fuck would date the same girl for 100 times and still fail to make the girl to like you? What a loser” that voice whispered.

Wait what. You mean, wait. You mean I can’t use this power anymore? WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME EARLIER! Shit, what do I do now? I just creeped the shit outta her because I thought I could just use the power again. Shit. Shit. What power you ask? Well, let me tell you from the beginning


It was five past two, she weren’t really late. I was just too early like usual. I couldn’t stand still. I was nervous like never before. I’ve been to a lot of dates, okay maybe not really a lot but I was never nervous before. I didn’t know what’s so special about her that I couldn’t calm myself down.

She finally arrived five minutes later.

“I’m sorry, did I make you wait?” she said while smiling so innocently.

Goddamnit you, cutie. You think just because you have a cute smile, long and wavy hair; exactly my type, and little tiara on your hair making you look like a princess, irresistibly charming sparkling eyes that would melt anyone at the first glance, I would forgive you?

“No!! I actually just arrived too” of course I did.

And so we went to have our lunch together. Like many other dates, I asked question after question to get to know her better. But the nerve got me. I jumped from one question to another totally unrelated question until I ran out of questions. Then came the awkward silence. She didn’t seem to be enjoying the date. Panicking, I went to the toilet.

Shit. What do I do now. Why the hell am I so nervous? What’s wrong with me today? Come on, you can do this!

Not knowing what to do afterwards, I offered to send her home. So early, I know but I was too nervous to think of anything else. We didn’t talk much on the way back.

“Okay, here is enough. Thank you for today, Fari” her expression explained it all. I knew there was never gonna be  a second date. I screwed up.

I walked back home like I just got dumped. Which I was. Isn’t it the same thing? And this happened after my bestfriend, Qaifah arranged this date for me so I can stop being so sad. I’m a total failure. I can never do anything right. But if I can turn back time and do it again…… And then the voice came-

“You want a second chance?”

I looked everywhere but no one seemed to be around me.

“I’m not visible to naked eyes. Don’t bother looking. I’ll ask you again. Do you want a second chance?”

What the hell is this….

“You said if you can turn back time, you can do it right. So tell me, do you REALLY want a second chance?”

You mean, turn back time?

“Don’t answer a question with a question, fool!”

Okay, garangnya. Yes, I want a second chance!

“So close your eyes and say these words. NIAT ENSON MATAKAJI SEMARI NGISENG”

What… Seriously?

“Do you want it or not?”

You watch too much P Ramlee movies man. Okay. Let’s do this.

I closed my eyes and said those words.  And then it was all dark and gloomy. When I opened my eyes a familiar face was in front of me.

“I’m sorry, did I make you wait?” she said while smiling so innoc… Wait.

Something is wrong here. This is not deja vu. I really turned back the time. Holy shit.

 

Unconditional Love

May 5, 2016 in Short Story/Cerpen


“Listen to me, I have something to say”

She were just sitting there quietly, staring at me with her brown eyes. She put her phone down, signalling she were willing to listen.

“I love you. I love everything about you from hair to toe. I love how you treat me, I love the way you talk, I love the way you carry yourself, I love your hair, I love the way you dress, I love your brown eyes. I love everything about you.”

She looked like she were about to say something but I didn’t give her the chance to. It’s now or never. If I failed this time, I’ll never succeed next time.

“No, please. I’m not done. Just listen to me, just this once.”

She raised her left eyebrow, almost sarcastically.

“You do know that everything I’ve done up until now, it’s all for you right? All my failures, all my success. Everything, everything was for you. I’ve never done it for anyone else but you. But I just want you to give me a chance to do this, just this once and I promise I’ll….”

She didn’t let me finish this time. She had enough listening. I saw it in her eyes that she were not really impressed. Ah, fuck. I closed my eyes, preparing for rejection.

“If this is about Goodvibes festival, you don’t need to go this far and make it sound so dramatic. I’ve already purchased all three phases tickets for you. And yes of course, you can go.”

I couldn’t believe my ears then. What. The. Fuck. All three phases? I kneeled both legs down and hugged my mom who were still sitting on the couch. I love my mom. You should love yours too, even if she doesn’t buy you tickets or allow you to go to festivals.

Seven Eleven

May 5, 2016 in Uncategorized

“Tonight will be a historic night. Tonight will be the night I become a man. After tonight, everything will change!”

So Ali thought to himself. He was determined to do it that night. He mustered all his courage to finally do it. He ran excitedly, as fast as he could. Nothing could stop him then. Not even a storm, tsunami or even apocalypse. That night Ali was the bravest of his entire life.

It’s all began that morning when everyone was laughing at Ali.

“Are you kidding me? You can’t even do that and you call yourself a man?” Abu couldn’t stop laughing.

“Come on Ali, it’s 2016. Grow a pair and do it tonight.” taunted Siva.

“Yeah man, just go in there and say it like a man you are!” Lee added oil to the fire.

Ali finally arrived at his destination after running for 5 minutes. He was sweating a bit. He swept his sweats off and took a really deep breath. He almost got cold feet but he couldn’t stand being laughed at anymore so he rushed into the 7-11. There was a cute girl at the counter. Her hair was midnight-black and it flowed over her shoulders. She had dimples that really showed when she smiled, greeting Ali’s presence. It was nerve wrecking for Ali but he couldn’t stop then. He was already there and he didn’t want his friends to laugh at him anymore. That night was the night he’d finally become a man anyway, he thought.

“Err….” Ali stuttered.

“Yes, may I help you sir?” the girl smiled flawlessly.

“Can I get that one packet of condom sized L?” Ali pointed at the back of the counter.

 


And finally that night, Ali became a real man by managing to buy condom of his own for the first time ever in his life.

This Is Hard

May 3, 2016 in Uncategorized

I tried writing this a few times before I decided to post this one. The reason is I tried to romanticize this but then I thought to myself that there’s nothing romantic about this.

When I was a little kid I can’t wait to grow up as I couldn’t do a lot of things as a kid. I hated it when the adults told me that I can’t do this, I can’t do that simply because I was a little kid. And then I grew up to be an adult. To my shock, I still can’t do a lot of things right now. Even when there isn’t anyone telling me I can’t do this or that. It’s simply because life turned out to be way more complicated than I thought it’d be.

I thought life would be a lot easier when I’m an adult. I thought I’d be able to do anything, anywhere I like. But as I grew up I kept on stumbling upon obstacle after obstacle. First I flunked my SPM, betraying my mom’s hope in the process. And then I wasted first few years of working gaining nothing but working experiences.

And then came the commitments. One after another, the commitments became more to a burden than responsibilities. I started thinking of giving up. No way. I’m too young for this. This is not the kind of life I want to live. No. It struck me then, why don’t I stop whining and swallow all the bitterness and grow the fuck out of this phase.

Love. To me love is just a type of distraction. Love always managed to distract me from the dull life I was living. Love always managed to make me forget all other problem I had. Love always managed to make me think, hey this life ain’t so bad. But I always failed in love matter too. My first girlfriend cheated on me. My second was a rebound for my first. My third was wonderful but I was stupid I let her go. My fourth, well we just didn’t work out. Damn son, what unlucky bastard I am. Why can’t I be good at something?

I’m always worried about my future, assuming I have one. I always think I am destined to be someone great and to achieve something greater. But it’s not moving. Where I am right now is where I was 5 years ago. Nothing much has really changed. The 16-year-old me would never thought the current me would be like this. I wish to turn back time and change everything. But I know I can’t. I know the only way to live is to look forward. But sometimes you can’t help but to worry about your future and whether you’d ever get your life together. Man, this is hard.

 

Maybe We’re Truly Not Meant To Be

May 3, 2016 in Uncategorized

It was me who decided to break things off eventhough there weren’t really things between us. I told myself that I’d be ready for this. I’d be prepared for this. I could move on just fine. But I wake up every morning thinking how could she be happy without me? How am I the one who’s miserable, always? Why do I get agitated over the fact she’s living on just fine? This is ridiculous.

I’m pretty disappointed with myself. I hate the kind of feelings I have for her. I hate the kind of love I possess for her. I love her in a way I want to possess her. It hurts me when she’s still happy without me. It bothers me when someone else’s making her happy. I can’t accept the fact that I can’t make her happy anymore. I couldn’t carve smiles on her face anymore. I couldn’t spark fire in her eyes anymore. And so I keep on blaming myself when maybe we’re truly not meant to be.

What Love Really Looked Like

May 2, 2016 in Uncategorized

Let me tell you,

what love really looked like,

it didn’t look blue,

nor did I see yellow, purple or black,

all I saw was you.

I’m reminded of what love really looked like,

the ability to not care much,

about every other thing,

significant or not it may be,

the feelings come all at once,

one place and one person particularly,

it’d enhance the beauty that didn’t stand out,

it’d amplify the feelings that didn’t matter much,

it’d remind me of home,

so familiar,

so comforting,

I think, no. I know,

that’s what love really looks like.

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