December 19, 2017 in Dan lain-lain
You told me that there was no reason for you to put me as your priority anymore. You told me that you cant keep me anymore, that enough is enough.
I guess maybe we have finally came to a breaking point where we both are too tired to continue to be in this relationship, too drained to keep on fighting and shouting until finally, we accept what we had once promised will never happen, separation.
I love you, with all of my heart i love you, still. But the thing about love is that it tends to get clouded with other emotions. Rage, ego, jealousy, insecurities, sadness and pain makes us forget all about our love and the real reason why we are together, which is to loved and be loved. We ended up throwing it all away, just to satisfies our rage. We keep on emphasizing on our differences until we forgot about what we shared. We keep on pointing out each other’s mistakes until we forgot about what we had sacrificed for one another. We keep on fighting and shouting at each other until we forget what gentleness feels like. I sometimes felt that we had left each other long before we decided to both go on our separate ways. I would sometimes look at you and felt that I dont recognize you anymore. I realize that this was not the same person whom I once sat with and talk for hours with about everything and nothing, this was not the same person who once told me that he would do “whatever it takes” to keep me and be better. This was not the same person who used to be so soft with me, caressing me with his words, comforting me with his soothing grace. The person whom once held my hand, wishing that I would never leave. This is the moment that hurts me the most, the moment when I realized that the person that I love, was not the same person that I have met before. The moment when I realized that I was not the same person anymore, I lose myself trying to love you. And it was the moment when I realized I cant call you “home” anymore, was the moment that breaks my heart. You threw me away.
But sweetheart, do you still think of me when you’re laying down at night and wish that maybe we could have ended in a totally different situation? With a ring on my finger, our own house, a fat cat like how we have always imagined and our passports tattooed with the name of all of the places that we had said we would like to visit?
Because I do, love. I do.
But it’s over. No matter how hard I try to drag and delay this ending, it still happens without a notice, I just suddenly realized that I am truly, utterly, alone.
You left me with too many memories, love. Now, I can never eat another meal of curry butter chicken without remembering how much you liked it. I can never walk past a certain place without a flash of memory about you there. I can never go down in the middle of the night to refill my water without remembering how you used to accompany me, making sure that I was safe. I can never wear my clothes without thinking of what you will say about it. I cant even wear my own toner without wondering whether you are still wearing the same toner as what I am wearing right now because it was me who bought it for you. Everything around me, even I, myself reminded me of you.
It amazed me of how a person can keep so many memories. The good and the bad will always be embedded in my mind, this is the last piece of “us” that I will always keep and cherished.
Thank you, my love. For the laugh and tears. For the sadness and joy. For the pain and comfort. You have taught me a great deal in life, forever will I be indebted to you.
I dont wish to be a stranger to you, love. You will always be a part of my life even if we cant be together anymore. And I hope that you wont make me be a stranger to you, even if I am not your priority anymore.
And if one day, fate finally brought us back together, I hope by that time it will be the right time for us. I hope that we will finally be better for each other, that we will finally learn on how to tolerate each other. I hope that this time we will stay in love until the end of our time. And I hope that this time I will be good enough.
However if one day, fate brought you closer to another, I pray that by that time, she will be the right one for you. I pray that she will be better and best for you, the one that will give you what you need. I pray that she will make you happy, more than I possibly ever could. I pray that both you and her will always stay in love until death do you apart.
May 1, 2017 in Dan lain-lain
You might not remember this day, you might not even realize how far we’ve come to reach this exact same day again. You might not remember how much I’d changed, and how much you, yourself had changed. But I remember, I remember everything, remember?
I remember how it was on this exact same date last year, we met again. And that was the start of it all, of this all. This is the turning, this is the starting point of us becoming us again. If it wasn’t because of today’s last year, if it wasn’t because of that one “hey”, if it wasn’t because that “let’s watch this movie together cause everyone else is too busy to care”, we wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t be able to call you mine, and you wouldn’t be having this much power over me, and I wouldn’t be crying myself to sleep tonight for saying the most stupidest things to you and having my ego prevented me from admitting that I am sorry and I love you and all I ever wanted was your tenderness and love.
This day marks the beginning of us. This day marks the crumbling of my walls. The walls I’d built so high, shakes on this day when I see your smile. This day changed me, and throughout this year I’d changed, a lot. Gone have the walls I’d been so reluctance to bring down, gone have the guards I’d been so unwilling to let go. Gone. You break through all the barriers, all the protection I’d put around my heart and manage to find your way inside. Gone have the cold girl who refuse to love and be loved, replaced with this clingy, possessive, over-protective version of me. I used to think that it’s not possible for me to love this deep, this hard, but i did. l love you, so much to the point where I feel whole again. Thats how much I’d changed. Thats what this day meant to me.
But sweetheart throughout the year, you, too have changed. On this day last year, I saw softness in you. I saw patience. But on this day today, I feel so far away from you. Gone have the softness I saw, replaced with a very high walls of ego and pride. I understand that life requires you to be that way. The things you’d been through, the troubles you’d faced, changed you. It hardens you. I understand sweetheart. “Life” are starting to breaks us apart. “Life” are starting to get in the way of love, again. Brace yourself for the coming challenges, hardens yourself but dont be hard on me. I am not another battle for you to win. I am not another problem for you to solve, so why must you be hard on me too? I want you back, the you I met this day last year. The you who are willing to do whatever it takes to get me. You got me sweetheart, but is that all you wanted? Don’t you not want to keep me?
All I ask is for you to look deep inside yourself and brings back the man I used to know. Look deep inside yourself and brings back the softness in your heart. For our’s sake. I love you sweetheart, always have and always will.
January 1, 2017 in Dan lain-lain
In this moment between past and present, silence fills every room, every corner. People are waiting, waiting for that one magical tick of the clock that send shivers and excitement, that one magical tick that marks a new beginning. Some welcomes it with a newfound spirit, some are afraid of what it might brings.
I bid the past with a heaviness in my heart, and welcomes the future with a smile.
As it was in the past that I met you, the one that is worth breaking for. It was in the past that I first held you, the one that is worth every touch. It was in the past that I loved you, the one that is worth every love inside of me. It was also in the past that I realized how much I am grateful for your presence and how much I am broken when you’re away. It was in the past that I realized you would always be there for me, holding me through every ups and downs along the way. I thanked the past for all the lessons, all the hurt and all the joy that it gave me. If I could, I wish I could stay in the past forever, laying in the arms of time.
However, it is in the future that I shall keep breaking and discovering new things with you. It is in the future that I shall continue to hold your hands for a whole new set of journey. It is in the future that I shall keep loving you, with every beats of my heart, with every particles inside of me. It is in the future that I shall plan to stay with you, closing the distance between us. It is in the future that I want to always be with you. Tho I dont know what the future might brings, but when the clock strikes 12 I shall welcome the future with a smile, hoping that it would yet be another great adventure for us.
November 17, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi
This is not me walking away from you,
This is you, pushing me away.
This is not me distancing myself from you,
This is you, fencing me out.
This is not me running away from home,
This is you, making me feel homeless.
Where is home anyway?
When I can’t even hold you in my arms Read the rest of this entry →
October 1, 2016 in Dan lain-lain
I found myself alone in a big house. The house seems familiar but I can’t fathom where it was or how did I get here. I searched frantically for people, going through each room, each space but still, no one is to be found. It felt like I was being left in here by myself, it felt like home but it does not look like home.
In one of the rooms, the light are on, beds are made but no one was there. In another room, the ceiling fan was spinning dizzily above my head, but it was empty, soulless. In another, I saw mirrors. The rooms are covered in mirrors but the only reflection I saw was that of myself. I found myself wandering aimlessly in the long empty hallways. It was dark and I have always been afraid of being alone in the darkness. I can feel my heart racing but I keep on walking until I saw the front door.
The door was made of glass, I can clearly see what was outside. I saw three identical little girls, playing hide and seek near the bushes. Though they looked creepy I tried to talk to them anyway, but it seems like they did not notice my presence, they ignored me completely. By this time I was already out of the house, though I can’t remember how I got out exactly.
I saw another house next door, it was lit and from where I stood, I could hear voices coming out from it. I walked towards the direction of that house, I found the door unlocked. There were so many people inside, sleeping in line. They look like statues, kept in an antique store. Out of a sudden, I started screaming. I was screaming out a name. I remember that there’s this feeling of desperation, feeling of lost, mingling in my chest. I believed that I need to call out the name, if not, it will be lost forever. I felt a strong set of hands gripping my shoulder, telling me to hush and throwing me out. I am not allowed to go in, this is not my place.
And then again, I found myself back in front of the big empty house, it felt like home but it was not home. I was alone, the three little girls had vanished and is nowhere to be seen, or maybe they were just hiding from me. And in that moment, I felt truly, totally alone. I tried to walk back into the big empty house, because I would rather be alone in there than alone out here, but the door won’t open. I shouted and begged and banged at the door, but it was shut closed. I tried to kick and punch as hard as I could to break the glass door but it does not crack even an inch. My hands felt cold, blood was dripping from it. I remember trying one last time to break open the door before I finally fell to the ground.
I was shut out in the dark of the night, alone, hurt and unwanted. I was trembling and homeless without any place to turn to.
I woke up in the middle of the night to an unanswered text. I was sweating, grasping for air. My chest felt heavy, my heart hurts. It was just a dream, but I swear it was the most vivid dream I had ever experienced. I tried to write this dream in the exact way that I remember it to be, thus this post might not make any sense.
My chest still hurt, either because of the dream or because of you. Which of which I could not be sure.
September 6, 2016 in Dan lain-lain
Have you ever loved someone so much that you started expecting them to stay the same forever? You don’t want them to change, you don’t want them to grow because you are so afraid of them growing apart from you. I know I did.
But lately, I am starting to realize that changes are inevitable. You can’t avoid it from happening neither can you run away from it. People change, whether you like it or not. Some changes may even happen in only a split second, some may take years for you to notice.
But eventually, you will start noticing the difference, the change in the way they speak, the change in the way they look at you, the change in the way they holds you, the change in the way they act around you, it could be as little as the way their smile forms while they are with you. You will notice how they don’t treat you the same, you will notice how their emotions change as time passes.
You have been trying so hard to come up with an explanation regarding all of their changes, just to make yourself feel better. You will keep creating excuses to cater to their changes. But whatever you think, whatever you try to come up with, only proves to be wrong. In this endless process of explaining their changes to yourself, of trying to make yourself feels better about the changes of people around you, you find yourself changing. In this process of trying to stop the people you love from changing, you change.
You find yourself different from the way you used to be. You no longer smile the same, you no longer laugh the same, you no longer feels the same. You change but you are still you.
July 31, 2016 in Uncategorized
I wonder what you must be feeling right now, it hurts doesn’t it? Seeing him with me, seeing me with him. I am not writing this with the intention to piss you off, no. Neither am I writing this with the intention to boast off, no. I am simply writing this to make you understand.
Understand that the thing between you and him are over. Understand that he has moved on and found me, again. Understand that I know how much it hurts, I’ve been there, done that. All along I’ve been watching him drifting from one girl to another, I’ve watched him breaks his own heart. So believe me, I know what you must be feeling right now. Understand that it was never my intention to hurt you, stalking me wouldn’t help ease the pain away, stalking him wouldn’t help either. Asking your friends to find out about me, about us wouldn’t make the pain in your chest goes away, it will hurt you even more. Understand that I know how hard it is for you to let go, all those memories, all those promises. And that is the only reason why I am able to tolerate you this far. Understand that he is with me now, though I am not saying that he will be with me forever, I can’t predict the future, but still, he is currently with me and we plan to keep it that way for as long as we can. Read the rest of this entry →
July 29, 2016 in Uncategorized
I believe that everyone has that certain someone that they hope to never let go, no matter how many times that person keeps breaking your heart, or how many times you tried to coax yourself into letting them go, there is still this minuscule of hope left inside of you, for some inexplicable reason, you just couldn’t let them go. No matter how long, how hard or how impossible it may seems, you still want to find ways to make that person stay, be it in your life or buried deep in your heart. Read the rest of this entry →
July 28, 2016 in Uncategorized
I realised something, all this time when he opens up to me, it was not out of his own free will, it was always after I forced it out of him and it struck me realising that he probably would never want to willingly talk to me about things, about our issues, his issues.
It hurts me realising that the guy I trust with all of my being, probably would not be able to trust me that much. All I ever wanted from him was honesty, all I ever asked was for him to talk. Talk to me, about anything and everything. Open up to me about anything and everything. I am here, I care about him and I am willing to listen but he just won’t talk to me. He refuses to let me help him. He refuses to let me share his burden. And I, honestly had ran out of ways to make him realise how important it is for him to just talk to me, especially when he’s thinking or overthinking about something that involves me.
He wanted me to reveal everything to him, my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my anger, everything but he won’t return me the favour of doing so. He kept it all to himself and it hurts me knowing that I could have hurt him without me realising it.
June 29, 2016 in Uncategorized
She is an overthinker. She’s going to overthink every little things. She will spend days analyzing the way you speak to her, replaying it in her head, all the different tones that could have been used and the meaning behind all those tones. When you didn’t wish her a good morning, she will spend hours agonizing over the reason, and spend her whole day deciding whether she should text you first or should she wait for you to say hello, and if ever she decided to text you first, god knows how many hours she will wonder whether she has been disturbing you and start to create unrealistic scenarios in her head if you somehow decided that you no longer loved her, “Why hasn’t he text me? Has he forgotten about me today?” “Will I be a disturbance if I text him first? Will he be annoyed by me?”
She is an overthinker. She will suffocate you with her jealousy when she saw a picture of you and your ex. She will suffocate you with her never-ending questions and insecurities. She will suffocate you with her ridiculous thoughts. She will suffocate you with her care, she will constantly ask you if you’re okay because she knows when something is wrong. She notice every little changes happening in you. She knows when you’re not okay, she knows when you’re mad, she knows when your mood changes. She had watch you all too many times to know every side of you. And boy when she ask you about it, and you refuse to talk to her about it, she will overthink every possible reason that is making you upset and it will break her, “What did I do wrong?” “What could possibly be in his mind right now?” “Am I making him upset?” “Am I not good enough for him?”
May 31, 2016 in Short Story/Cerpen
I had a dream about you last night. In my dreams, we were as happy as we could ever be, in my dreams we were laughing. You were telling me something about how much you wanted to travel the world, places you wanted to see, feelings you wanted to feel. Memories you wanted to create and capture. The best part was you wanted that experiences to be with me.
I had a dream about you last night. In my dreams, you were mine. Always mine and never hers. You were whispering something about how much you love the way I smile, how much you longed for that smile to last forever. The best part was, even when you wasnt looking, I was smiling for you.
I had a dream about you last night. In my dreams, you never left. You stayed by my side for as long as we both shall live. You were saying something about a boy who fell in love with a girl who owns the sweetest pairs of eyes he had ever seen, and in those eyes he found comfort, in those eyes he found peace, in those eyes, he found himself. The best part was, you told me that was what you felt when looking into my eyes.
I had a dream about you last night. In my dreams I was with you, snuggled into your arms. I was telling you that you felt like home. Home has never been a person for me until I found you. The best part was you told me that you felt the same.
I had a dream about you last night. But this time it was different, you’re with her and i’m just looking through the glass door. Peeking inside as you were caressing her hands, crumbling at every traces of her skin you touched. I wanted to ask you why’d you lie to me, I wanted to scream out loud for you to notice me again. But I couldnt, I seems to have no voice in this world. And the worst part is, this is the reality of us.
May 28, 2016 in Uncategorized
I’m falling, hard and I’m afraid he won’t be there to catch me in time. Or that he might catch me but just in time to let me go. I’m afraid to fall and yet it happens out of nowhere, I’ve put up all these walls around me, pushing away everyone who dares come close enough. But him, I cant run away from him, I cant push him away, I cant do anything to stop myself from falling deeper into him. And it scares the shit out of me. I do not want to be afraid, I do not want to die inside just to breathe in, I’m tired of feeling so alone but somehow this sinking feeling I felt is inevitable. After all these years, the pain is still there, it lingers and however hard I try I dont know how to make it go away.
What if one day he woke up and decided that he cant love me anymore? He did it before. What if he did it again? What if one day I woke up and decided that this is it, this is the guy I would love for the rest of my life but he’s not there anymore for me to love? What if one day he realize that I’m not good enough for him? What if he decided to walk away, again? What if one day I made a mistake and he just cant find it in his heart to forgive me? What if I have already love him unconditionally but he take that for granted? Out of all the what ifs playing in my mind, the biggest question finally came down to this; what if one day he found someone else and the memories of me fades away from his mind? Will I be able to live with that?
This risk I’m taking by being with him, is purely because I love him. I’ve loved him before and I guess after all these years, I’ve never stop loving him, even after he hurts me, even after he left, my love for him never really goes away. It was there, and it still is. My pride and sense of self salvation helps to hide it away in all these time we were apart, hidden deep within the darkest part of my heart, making me myself believe that it wasnt there anymore, but somehow it survive. And when he came back, all of those love, all of those feelings I have once felt for him are resurfacing itself, coming into the light and I can literally feel the rush of emotions. The love, the jealousy, the sense of wanting to owns him, to make him mine. But it also come with the pain, I’m too broken to handle it all. How do I make this pain goes away? How can I fix myself? I’m afraid he wont be able to love a broken girl like me. I’m afraid he will get tired of me.
If this thing between us didnt work out, I had a feeling that it would affects me more that it will affects him. I had a feeling that I will be broken again and I wont even be able to pretend like I’m fine this time, out of all the man that comes and go, he was the only constant. The only one that I was never able to resist. I really want us to last, and I want him to stay, for real this time.
May 4, 2016 in Uncategorized
I am always gonna be that one friend, who knows all your dirty little secrets. Who knows how your mind work, the way you think. Who sees every horrible feature that you carefully chose to shield from others. Who heard all your ridiculous late night thoughts, whom you always seek in times of joy and sorrow.
That one friend who will keep pushing you to do the things that you’re supposed to do for yourself, pushing you to your limit. Who will always help you out. Who never complaints whenever she needs to pause her work just to help you or hear your ramblings about the shitty day you’ve endured. Who knows you all too well but never really got the chance to be with you. Who always want the best for you and are forever urging you to make the best out of yourself.
That one friend who stood by you, who pushes you back up when you’re down, who whispers patience into your ears when you’re mad. Who gives you hope when you’re about to give up. Whom you are able to talk just about everything and anything. Who patiently watched you had your heart broken by her while knowing I could have treated you better.
That one friend who loves you unconditionally.
I am always gonna be that one friend.
May 3, 2016 in Uncategorized
I know it must be hard for you, not knowing who he is with on most of his days and nights. It must be hard for you not knowing whose hands he holds when crossing the street, whose face he present his tired smile after a long day of classes. It must be hard for you not knowing that while you were there missing him, he was here with me Read the rest of this entry →
May 3, 2016 in Short Story/Cerpen
They told her, only sad people writes.
So that night, she tidied her room, wore her best dress, put on the nicest make up that she ever knew of and sit on the table where a picture of her smiling with a bouquet of red roses on her hands were placed, and write.
Her words jumbled on the papers, fairly reflected her thoughts. She writes because that is what sad people do, they said. She can hear her parents bickering downstairs, something about forgetting to turn off the pipe. They are always like that, every day almost. She had become immune to the noise by now.