Ain Rawei

THIS LOCKDOWN IS AN ABANDONED BUILDING AND DREAMS ARE MY EXIT DOOR

October 16, 2020 in Short Story/Cerpen

It’s a lockdown. I’d like to think that it’s a Restricted Movement Order (just like what the new
government told me before it started), but as the days passed by, I’ve started to agree that I’m now
imprisoned by the comfort of my own home.

On day one, I see the sun at the balcony once or twice a day. I breathe the outside air, which isn’t
smelling fresh, but much needed.

On my working days, I stay on the bed with my laptop doing mundane tasks for eight hours. I take a
nap in the noon. My nap sometimes lasts more than an hour. I don’t sleep well at night because
surfing the internet is a more amazing hobby. I could be logged on and see the world without leaving
the house.

Dreams are my other escapism. And a more important one. I always dream of the outside and what I
could do there. I dream of being there with my loved ones. This is how I stay out of the house while
in deep sleep.

I could go sightseeing with my family. We could be going here and there, doing stuff we’ve never
done before. My mom rides on an airplane. My dad snaps photos for his Instagram account. My dad
doesn’t have an Instagram account.

I could be looking up to the limitless blue sky, observing the untamed nature. I could meet the
creatures that I have only seen on TV. I am at a centuries-old shop lot and I see a black-faced white
tiger walking towards me. There’s no such thing as black-faced white tigers.

I could be closer with the love of my life. We could be going on a date, spending precious time
together. I go grocery shopping with a guy that I’ve liked for years. He’s telling me that grown-up
women should never stayed up late. I like him but I’m not going to sleep early just to please him.
Isolation has made my dreams livelier, and I enjoy every moment. It’s frustrating that my dreams
never last and I have to wake up and face the boring reality.

I wish I could stay asleep… perhaps until the lockdown ends. Perhaps forever. I miss the outside
world, but I don’t want to leave my dreams.

How are you doing, Karen?

June 2, 2020 in Dan lain-lain

Wow, I thought that there would be lesser stupid people around since the pandemic happened. I was wrong!

I was told that I am the white person of Malaysia. A privileged Malay Karen. If I were white I could get everything that I wanted. More money, fame, beauty, and other perks. I could have been on the top of the world. Perhaps I could become a beauty queen and you could follow me on Instagram or something.

But no, sweetie, I am not your Karen. And my name is definitely not Karen. My skin isn’t fair. I do have some money, but I exchanged my blood, tears, and sweat with it. You told me that I’m privileged. Well, where’s the access to such privilege?

I don’t have any “cable”. I don’t have “blue blood”. I don’t have “Tengku” in my name. So here I am, still working to make ends meet while going through each level of discrimination. Your opinion is so flawed you can’t enjoy your orgasm when you masturbate with it.

You and I are born in this country. We both know that western imperialists used to be here and took away everything we had. They divided and conquered us. Yet all you see is some people around you who are abusing their privileges, and then you put a large blanket on all of us. You are privileged to talk about things you know nothing about and get away with it. YOU are the Karen here.

America is in danger. The lives of black people and people of colour are in danger. The lynching and looting never stopped. But you told me what? “yoU cHosE t0 Be cOlourEd f0r A reAsoN!” A reason to be persecuted for doing stupid things or for being different?

No one had a chance to choose what s/he wanted to look like before s/he was born. No one chose which demographic group s/he wanted to belong in. No one asked to live in discomfort. And definitely no one wanted to die in the worst way ever. But you, fake white Karen in the closet, have your favourite pseudo-spiritual lessons twisted your own judgement and morality. If the Law of Attraction is real, you have attracted bigotry. Even that huge crown on your head can’t secure your sanity. Or are you sane at all?

People say that this lockdown is a way to flatten the curve, but it still doesn’t curb the idiocy and ruthlessness of certain people. Everyone wants a cure for a disease, but not the cure for stupidity.

Liberals, libertarians, conservatives… whatever. We all belong to different sides of the same coin. Unless we want to learn, we will always think that we are right, respectful, considerate, and “woke”, and the rest are Karens, simps, and boomers. And we will keep pointing fingers to each other as the death counts skyrocket.

Good vibes only

December 22, 2019 in Poetry/Puisi

Nowadays negativity is my kryptonite
I leave when there are idiots
I can’t spend a minute with bigots
I become nauseous
Temperature rises
My back of the head hurts
and I can barely lift my tiniest finger
I am weak and I may end up dead in days
Bad vibes is consuming my energy
Being moody makes me (literally) sick!

Is stupidity and rudeness part of this world?
Then I hate the world I live in
Are there no more kind and smart people?
Because they make others’ lives easier
Is it more tempting to be stupid and rough?
It seems like positivity is the lamest thing

I can start but I don’t want to be the only one fueling the movement
Please join me
to get rid of the bad vibes and
welcome the good ones
Let’s be healthy and happy again
just like the good old days!

Sleepless

October 21, 2019 in Poetry/Puisi

it’s dark outside

dark in this room

but my brain

never shuts down

thinking about-

  1. the past

things I should’ve done

words I should’ve said

ideas I should’ve thought

mistakes that should’ve been undone

  1. the present

life and struggle

good deeds and inner demons

my loved ones

people who never deserved my attention

  1. the future

if I’m going do this

and if I’m going to say that

what’s going to happen?

what will people think, say, and feel?

 

half past three

still awake

listening to the

noise of silence

and my breath

my own thoughts

linger around me

in the blackness of night

as the sunrise greets me

memories and imaginations subdue

and I will lay myself here

in boredom and frustration.

Dying from the light. Now hiding in the dark.

September 15, 2019 in Conceal/Sembunyi

I am hiding in the dark. It is pitch black. I am not scared, but I am reaching the end of me.

The light of reality has burned: my eyes, skin, bones, heart, mind, and my crippled soul.

I retreated to protect and recover myself. To heal these wounds. Here I am… still dying, but I am relieved to be on this side. It is dimmer and cooler here than that damn burning light outside.

The darkness is full of: lies. But these lies make me rejoiced. These lies make my pain incredibly bearable.

There’s no way out and I can feel it. But I am alright, as I belong here.

I am now waiting for Death to pay me a visit. I am offering my soul to be returned to the Underworld. I will leave my body consumed by dirt and I will have my name and my face wiped off from their minds and hearts.

They know my name. They know how I look like. But they never cared of me. I will stay hidden in this void and they will never bother to look for me.

A person dies alone. That is fine to me. A person belongs to a single grave. I am alright with being one body in a grave. A grave without a tomb and petals. A great way to leave this cruel world.

You Are the Ocean

September 13, 2019 in Poetry/Puisi

What hue are you?

As pure as white or

as calm as blue?

 

How deep are you?

Deep enough to dive in or-

do you contain mystery?

 

Do you glow

under the sun or

do you lash out

when thunders clap?

 

I know neither of

how to swim nor

how long will I

hold my breath

down under.

I know barely of

your serenity nor

your intimidation.

Yet I desire

to be with/in you,

filled with your love,

tangled by your possession,

drowned in your darkness.

You are the ocean

and I belong to you.

 

NURUL AIN RAWEI

DEC 17, 2018

JALAN YAP KWAN SENG, KL

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