mhdsymil

Part-time Lover

November 25, 2017 in Dan lain-lain

It was never easy, when every single day, you have to tell yourself over and over again that everything will be okay. It was never easy to walk out the door of your apartment and set a mindset to survive until the end of the day, and hope that you will not have a nervous breakdown in the middle of your office floor. It was never easy to wake up every single day and lay on the bed for a couple of minutes just to tell yourself that you have to go through the same things over again, and hoping that by the end of the day, you are still in one piece, not some sodden rag full of tears and regrets.

I have to constantly remind myself not to be a nervous wreck every single day, to not suddenly break down at the mere trigger or my paperwork flying from the gust of the fan. I have to always keep myself in check by looking at the pictures of those who I care most just so that I’d still be rooted in reality, and so that my consciousness will always be there when the time comes that I need.

Every step comes with the fear of me not being able to get another breath of oxygen, and for every passing moment, most of the time, I only think of surviving the tedious task of keeping in check. I am triggered with the smallest things. A misstep on the stairs, the loud tinkling of chimes, the scary clink of a key turning in its locks, but most people will perceive that as mere over-reacting. I’ve been called a drama queen one time too many, but all they see are me trying to keep sane and being me.

My only wonderwall is me and the different aspects that I accumulated over the time. I made up personalities that made me feel better for not having a definite resolution. Don’t tell me to go back to basic and restart, because it never works, not when it was ingrained into your very being. It was never okay. It was never, ever okay.

Until you came. The one that can calm me down with just an I Love You, the one that can make me stop hurting myself with just a video of you making faces, the one that can make me drop the knife I was holding just by calling me and make me listen to your voice. I might be incomplete in any way, and so do you, but you made me realize that two incomplete parts will always fill the void that was left, even with small crevices here and there. And those crevices will be filled as time goes on, and I am looking forward to the day that when I walk out of my apartment every morning, the only thing that I need to think about is what food should I make for dinner, for the two of us.

The Day I Told You I Love You

November 25, 2017 in Poetry/Puisi

I was told that
A man should never be down and crying
Because a man should be the Alpha;
The strongest amongst a pack of wolves
And a man should always bare his fangs
No matter what came through

And so I put my head held high
Always a metre above anyone else
Striving to look intimidating
Because being scary is good, right?
Being a lone wolf always made me feel superior
As it tends to make me feel secure

Then that day came
When I saw and feel something I never felt before
A longing, perhaps?
Of another’s company and affection
How does it feel, you ask me?
Painful, yet intriguing

The day I told you I love you
Was the day a wolf went down into a pup
Hanging out its tongue to beg for attention
Tilting his head in confusion
Since he’s afraid of the almighty rejection

The day I told you I love you
I was sure that still being a wolf is not a bad idea
As long as I can still be your pup
And protect you when the need arises

Death’s Haunting

April 22, 2017 in Poetry/Puisi

Hear the proclamation of Death
Whilst Hades trudged along on his chariot
Riding through the Underworld
With Nyx tailing him from behind
And Geras running lores of untimely death

Ponder this, mortal
For every breath that you exhale
An angel of forgotten memories is born
Carrying along a wreath of wilted carnations
Adorning a skull from a lost cause

Run to Eros, and ask for directions
But be careful, lest you be deceived
Since love is always a lost cause
A choice between a junction
Janus will kneel on your deathbed
Chanting hymns to Tartaros

Pray the South Wind came with its gentle breez3
Boreas billowing snow to get you on your way
Or Nemesis will come instead
Leading wandering souls to the Field of Ashpodel

Flares

May 12, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

I just want to hold you so tight; telling me everything’s gonna be alright, that the pain will go, because you’re there to scare it away.

Hold my hand, and don’t let go; whisper in my ears things I want to know. About how much you value me, how much pain if you lose me.

Bring me things that I love; the scent of your body and soul. That would be enough, it seems. For you are the only thing I need.

Never let go; hold my arms till they’re unfeeling anymore. Cradle me tight, so I know I’ll be alright.

Play with my hair all night, because that’ll keep my sanity intact. O love, please stay. Because you, made me go all the way.

I saw flares up the sky; a romantic kind of prelude. And there I know, I’m not alone; knowing you sent the flares for me.

Return me to a place I was, by your side, baby. The only real place that I need to be. Feel the tears welling up, and I’m there, trapped.

I remembered throwing my heart off the open window, hoping you’ll be there to catch. So I went and do it, only to see you’re lighting a match.

Burned, it was. A glowing coal upon the grass. And you told me, everything’s gonna be alright. Everything will rise from the ashes that flew.

So I waited. For the time it will rise again. For the time it will regrow a limb, and walk back to me. But it never did.

Instead. A new one came. With the shape of your name. Lumbering slowly, and latched it upon my empty cavity.

And I saw it was halved. Not completely there. And I looked at you, seeing yours is as defaced as the one you gave me to.

So I know; you halved yours to make up mine that was lost.

The End

May 12, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

I remember that time when
We just sat; cuddling each other
Playing with each others’ hair
Talking about things we love
Looking at your smile, and I wonder
Whether I’d live to see it again
Creeping about the dreaded line
When the time comes
For me to go

So long
Hoping that you’ll give away
All the memories that shouldn’t stay
Because all it did
Was torment you from the very beginning
Ask me again
Whether I’d like you to stay
And yes, I’d answer
Saying that you’re the one that may
Looking back
Thinking how unfortunate
How cruel it was
For me to go away
Whilst all I ever wanted
Was to stay
Going nowhere
Only there
Only beside you every single day

Thank you
For being my angel that hovered above
Tho not there beside me
Yet looking upon from afar
Standing by what’s left of me

Repenting the way
That I shunned everyone away
Keeping a distance
Afraid of hurting anymore
Tired of losing
Tired of crying
Tired of letting things away

Because what made me standing
Are the things that wouldn’t stay

Tell Me

May 7, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

I can write to fill the whole world with the poems that I come up with when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m laughing, when I see you.

I can recite things about you that even you didn’t know; of things that I see you do everyday without you even noticing.

I can talk about you all day long, and still have things to say. I can listen to you all eternity and yet feel that it’s inadequate.

I can listen to your jokes over and over again, and still laugh like it’s my first time hearing it. I can kiss you goodnight over and over.

Tell me you love me every single day, and believe me, I’ll tell you I love you more.

Tell me things about you, your deepest darkest secret. Yet I’ll know more than you told me, things that I see you do every single second.

Tell me you’ll stay, and I’ll never let you go.

Please. Tell me you’ll stay.

Cup of Coffee

May 7, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

The smell that stayed

The aroma that intoxicates

The scorching pain

The short-lived bliss

The last swirl

The last sniff

The last sip

The last pleasure

A cup of poison

A bottle of bile

A glass of arsenic

A jug of tampered wine

A life that never stayed

A whiff that disappeared as it came

A taste beyond anything

A cup of coffee – that is

Tell Me Again

May 7, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

Tell me

How you used to say my hair’s all ruffly

How my shirt smelled of your favourite Dunhill Desire Red

How the way I walked is kinda funny

How my cooking’s that terrible

How silly I am when treading up the stairs to your 5-floors apartment

How I suck at technicality

How I flunked it when repairing things

Tell me

How you loved what I did to my hair

How you loved my new t-shirt that we bought together at some unknown thrift shop

How you remembered small things about me that I forgot

How you like beard and sideburn, and I kept it for your sake

How you told me that my spectacles are cute on my face

How you looked into my eyes and told me they’re beautiful

I want all of that back

No matter what it takes to do so

Let me caress that hair once again

And wait for you to come home everyday back from work

Every morning, kissing you goodbye before you depart

Doing shopping, and arguing what to buy

Quarreling over petty things; like that time, about what to cook

I miss your breath on my neck

I miss your hugs and laughter

I miss everything

I miss you

I Missed

May 7, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

I missed

How you used to call me every night before bed

And tell me how you miss having me by your side

Making that weird I’ve been looking outside

Waiting for you to appear

Oh yes, I’m missing you

Because what I’ve been standing on

Was the fact that you were always there

Was the fact that you’re the one I gave my heart to

Was the fact that I let you keep me by your side

No matter what I did and what I said

And surely

I wish you’ll stay here till whenever

Wiping away my tears everytime it fell

Hauling me up on my feet everytime I stumbled

Like you used to

And I want to tell myself how it wasn’t just a dream

That all those hugs and I Love Yous

Were not just my imagination

For someone with a person complex

I always thought everyone is trying to take me down

Everyone is mocking me; talking behind my back

Everyone is snickering everytime I made a mistake

Everyone is telling that I am a failure and I deserve to be mocked

Everyone is thinking how overrated I am; how stupid I look

Then there’s you

Standing behind me all the time

Telling me everything’s gonna be alright

The one that saw me cry

The one that saw me broke

The one that saw how I stumbled

The one that brought me back up

I want you back, that’s all

Keep telling me how you love me

How you look me in the eyes

And tell me that you love them all the same

How you hugged me from behind

And whispered things that I like to hear

Holding my hand while we slept

Telling me everything’s gonna be alright

I yearn for your breath on my cheeks

While you stroked my hair till I sleep

That gentle peck on my forehead

So that I know you’re always there

Yeah I know, I’m a hopeless romantic

But for you

And you only.

when I cooed you

Not wanting to cut the call off

Because you told me you don’t want to lose me

The time my voice faded

I missed

The way you ran like a kid

Everytime I tried to chase you up the stairs of your apartment

The way you left the door open when I’m late

The way you held up the cat and ignored me

Until I pout and sulk alone inside our room

And you came to hug me tho I took no notice

I missed

The way you hugged me from behind while I cook

Commenting on my cooking and disturbing me

Kissed my neck until I squirm

And remember that one time

My hand slipped from the egg that I was holding

And you ran away laughing?

I missed

The thing that you do with your hair

The way it stuck up on an awkward angle

The time when you cut it too short

And you went all sulky

My hair, too; the one that you cut

I love it, tho loopsided at the back

All these things

Are the things that kept me loving you till this day

Although as annoying you may be

You are still the one for me

Ignore what people say

I’ll be yours, till the end of days

Because you

Are the one that made me, me

Come Back

May 7, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

I’ve been looking outside

Waiting for you to appear

Oh yes, I’m missing you

Because what I’ve been standing on

Was the fact that you were always there

Was the fact that you’re the one I gave my heart to

Was the fact that I let you keep me by your side

No matter what I did and what I said

And surely

I wish you’ll stay here till whenever

Wiping away my tears everytime it fell

Hauling me up on my feet everytime I stumbled

Like you used to

And I want to tell myself how it wasn’t just a dream

That all those hugs and I Love Yous

Were not just my imagination

For someone with a person complex

I always thought everyone is trying to take me down

Everyone is mocking me; talking behind my back

Everyone is snickering everytime I made a mistake

Everyone is telling that I am a failure and I deserve to be mocked

Everyone is thinking how overrated I am; how stupid I look

Then there’s you

Standing behind me all the time

Telling me everything’s gonna be alright

The one that saw me cry

The one that saw me broke

The one that saw how I stumbled

The one that brought me back up

I want you back, that’s all

Keep telling me how you love me

How you look me in the eyes

And tell me that you love them all the same

How you hugged me from behind

And whispered things that I like to hear

Holding my hand while we slept

Telling me everything’s gonna be alright

I yearn for your breath on my cheeks

While you stroked my hair till I sleep

That gentle peck on my forehead

So that I know you’re always there

Yeah I know, I’m a hopeless romantic

But for you

And you only.

Government of Dogs

May 7, 2016 in Short Story/Cerpen

I am never a fighter.

I always succumbed to the smallest obstacles.

I always ran into hiding when problems came.

I am weak.

The same thing that was written on the back of my head, the very ones that never fail to stay. No matter how hard I tried, no matter where I was. Being in the middle of a community that stayed the way it was since the World War II didn’t help, not even a bit. I crawled into the many bunkers that were left during the Emergency, every time I heard the Gang coming.

Oh. Don’t let me start on the Gang. The stupid bulky sons of a bitch group, which always came to me during the first week of the month, because they know that is when my parents give me my monthly allowance. They only had to come and wrestle the money from me, and sometimes they even took my lunch. But usually it’s just the money they wanted. My mom doesn’t know how to cook, they say. What they didn’t know is that my mom intentionally prepares bad food during the first week, so that at least my lunch would be safe.

Why didn’t my parents act, if they know my predicament, you ask? Well, if your son is bullied by the son of the Mayor that happily cut down wages, shooing away people from their homes when they say other than what he himself said, and even did more terrible things than that, I don’t think that you can do anything. And why haven’t we reported to the government yet, you ask?

Because we have none.

Or I think we used to. But now the government is just a dog’s den, where dogs were trained to lick each other’s back, and bark at the ones that tried to have a say. Anyway, the topmost part? The government told us that, every day. They never give it to us directly, but from the way they run the country, it seems so. Sending us subtle messages through the news, herding us like goats.

Well, they are dogs, aren’t they? Herd dogs, to be precise. Telling us what to do, making changes without us even knowing. What else? We are puppets, and they are the mannequins. Pulling the strings here and there, making us follow the flow that was never there in the first place, just creating things out of nowhere.

Back to the Gang. As they are secured by the Mayor himself, they can do anything that they want. It’s as if they own the place. The Mayor always turns a blind eye, and all the reports went into the dustbin. People that made complaints were either arrested or kicked out. Some of them mysteriously disappear.

By the time you read this, I’m probably not around anymore, anyway. Keep your eyes open, and look where the dogs are looking.

The Last Fight

May 4, 2016 in Short Story/Cerpen

You know the feeling of giving up? The sensation that you feel when you are feeling nothing anymore, when the only thing that came up to your mind is giving up? Because for once, all you think about is to stop fighting, because you are too tired to keep standing, because all you see is a dead end? This may sound depressing, but if you’re like me, who’ve been dealing with depression all the time, you will feel a trigger to give up, to just lay down all your worth and just stop fighting.

It may seem like what a loser would say. Giving up before the time has come. But when exactly is the time? When would it be for you to declare that you lost the last fight? When will the ringmaster announce that life won over you? At times, you have to declare your own last fight. To know when the final ring out is there to tell you to rest forever and relax. It’s your body’s own way to tell you that you’ve had enough, and it wants to have a rest.

It’s not easy to cope with depression. You can tell me to keep fighting. You can tell me to keep my head up at all times, you can tell me that everything’s gonna be okay. But no. You don’t understand. You cannot tell yourself that you can be ‘in my shoes’, that you understand how I feel. You don’t have suicidal tendencies. You don’t have slits across your wrists. You didn’t try to jump in front of a moving car. You never tried to drink bleach. You never had that urge to take an iron brand and scar your face to the word ‘LOSER’

You can tell me, depression is just a state of mind. That it will pass eventually. That time can heal everything. When in truth, you don’t know. You never knew. Don’t pretend that you know. Don’t tell me it’s gonna be alright. Because it won’t. Don’t tell me to mingle around because I told you I am an introvert. Don’t tell me to eat up because I tell you that I am anorexic. Don’t tell me to sit still when I told you I have ADHD. Don’t tell me to keep a level head when I’m in one of my anxiety attacks.

And you claim that you know how it feels going through depression. No. You don’t. When I’m depressed, just listen. Only listen. Don’t tell me it’s going to be alright. Don’t tell me the pain will just go away. Don’t tell me that time heals. Just listen.

And the time will come, when I decide that I’m fighting my last fight. And after that, if I lost, then I lost.

Gelandangan yang Hilang Sepatunya

May 4, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

i
Berlarinya mereka dengan kaki-kaki yang bogel
Memijak aspal panas yang membakar dari dalam
Mencari mana pergi sepatu mereka yang hilang
Sudahlah gelandang; sepatu entah ke mana dicuri orang
Ada rumah, seperti tiada
Ada wang, seperti tiada
Ada mulut, seperti tiada

ii
Mereka ini adalah gelandangan yang terhormat
Selesa berpakaian kolar putih dan kasut kilat
Hanya perlu duduk dan menuding jari
Sambil menoleh kanan dan kiri
Angguk geleng bila diperhati
Tangan diseluk mudah
Mencari Tuhan Dunia di bawah

iii
Berdiri di atas pentas berwarna merah
Itu dia; gelandangan paling tidak bermaruah
Tidak sedar rumah digadai
Masih kekal menutup birai
Konon jari menggeleng marah
Bila dituduh tidak bermaruah
Gelandang lain sinis melihat telatah
Melihat dia jatuh melatah

iv
Semua mereka itu
Adalah gelandangan-gelandangan yang hilang sepatunya
Aduhai; sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga
Sudah tidak berumah; malah hampir tidak bernegara.

Pesantren Usang di Tepian Bendang

May 3, 2016 in Poetry/Puisi

Di tempat itulah
Suatu masa dahulu aku duduk menelaah
Mengkaji tentang makrifat yang tersembunyi
Dan duduknya di hadapan aku
Menaakul berteman segelang tasbih berwarna kelabu
Sambil bibir tidak betah bertahmid lemah
Sedang aku lihat jarinya gigil menimbal dosa dan pahala
Terpercik butir-butir jernih di dahi berurat tua

Dia itu seusang pesantren yang menanti roboh dijamah anai
Tiap cerita yang tertulis tidak berdakwat di dindingnya
Semuanya telah dikarang oleh guru tua berjubah jingga
Atap rumbia itulah yang telah menjadi saksi
Tangis dan raung mereka-mereka yang cuba menjadi manusia
Tiang seri di tengah ruangan itu telah menjadi tempat sandar
Bila mana terhayunnya rotan semambu di punggung mereka

Kini tua itu telah bersedia tanpa kaget menunggu tamat
Kerna akhir masanya tiba bila pesantren usang itu menyembah bumi
Kelak; bila tiba masa, telah tertulis pesan tua itu di lantai tanah
Tentang epitaf yang ditulisnya untuk diri sendiri
Sampai masa jubah itu menjadi kain untuk semadi
Dan nisan di luar pesantren menjadi penanda
Tempat pergi tua yang banyak berbakti

Reminder

May 3, 2016 in Uncategorized

I told myself every single day
Each time I looked at myself in the mirror
How my scars are proofs that I faced the worst
Evading blades and bullets without even dodging
Building walls all around with bare hands and feet
With nothing but will and indifference
Because I realised one day
That emotions are just a hindrance to me

I told myself over and over and over again, how everything will change one day, how everything will fall into place without me having to arrange them to suit the orfer that they came in with. I told myself, every single night when I woke up in cold sweat, that everything is just a bad nightmare than cannot touch me, while in reality all those nightmares came on the same point of time every single night, whispering things in my mind that made me doubt, whether the life that I’m living while I’m awake is indeed just a pleasent dream, and my nightmares are the real deals.

I once broke the mirror in my room, because when I see myself in it, I only saw a head with no face. Smooth as marble, with slits instead of eyes. I was so scared, that I threw it down and felt the pleasure as the glass cut a gash in my palms. I realised at that point, the pain made me realised how life is a lie when we see it from a different perspective. The mirror injured me, but it made me realized that an image is an image. Nothing more.

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