August 16, 2019 in Dan lain-lain
I admit. It was hard when I broke up with him. You know who. I wasn’t traumatized however it makes me realized, That im not good. Not enough. He is a good person. And so was you. Along the way through my life, Even though I met someone else, You were there. And do you know when do I realised that? Early this year. When we are getting close. Do you remember how we were always so close? And then be apart. And we’re close only to be apart again. I don’t know why we’re like that. But I guess I have the answer now. It has always been you. Youre the reason why it never worked out with someone else. With him and few others. I guess I never matched with others. The way I did with you. All the years we were only friend, Those people around me, My friends, yours, ours, They keep telling me about you. Im not that strong willed. My heart waver every time they mentioned you. The way they talk, Makes me feel like I deserved you. When I actually don’t. I know there’s always someone out there, Better, prettier, kinder than I am Could love you better. Could treat you better. Could give you all the love you deserved Cause honey you do. People like you, they just did. And every time my thoughts spur that way, I know, I just had to turn you down. Youre too good. Youre too kind. Youre everything I could ever asked for, But I couldn’t accept you. Cause its me. Im a mess. Im still faltering. Don’t know whether proposing to you was a good thing. Whether accepting you was even the right thing to do. It was the right thing, Heck the best decision I made so far for me, But im not sure if it is for you. I am so afraid I might hurt you again. So afraid that if it didn’t work out, What would that cost you. I know someone as special as you Would definitely has someone better waiting at the end of the road. I wish it was me. No matter how many times I said im okay if we’re apart, I know im not. Screwed. That’s what I am. Im so sorry you met someone so messed up. Even loved her. I wish the one that you loved still exist within me. I don’t know what the future holds for us, But if we’re not meant to be together, Please know that you will always, Always gonna be a part of me. Trail of you in this broken heart of mine Will never fade away Because you are a special someone. One that I always cherished, And look forward to meeting. No matter how far we were apart. You were always there, Even when youre not beside me. I love you. Used to. Still am. And I guess, forever will be.
July 22, 2019 in Dan lain-lain
These upgraded feeling scares me.
I am aware that im starting to feel more than I intended to.
I didn’t plan to love you this much.
I thought I would just go with the flow,
Or whatever it is that is meant to be.
I didn’t intend on falling hard,
And feeling so much more than just liking you.
This scares me.
I wonder if im ready to let me fall head over heels?
I couldn’t before.
Im trying now.
But the whole changing processes got me
All choked up.
Aint we going too fast?
Or are we actually going too slow?
Arguing with you upsets me,
Which prove to me that you do have meaning in my life.
I wouldn’t even care before.
But I do now.
Is this good news? Or bad one?
I cant really think clearly.
Its like there’s so much grey clouds,
Clouding my judgement.
In the midst of it all,
I still wonder how you were doing.
Do you miss me
Like I miss you?
Cause the only reason that im upset,
Is not because we’re arguing,
It’s because of I cant listen to your voice,
while im blind with my idiosyncrasy.
June 18, 2019 in Dan lain-lain
I am easily distracted.
Not amuse at most of things.
Easily get bored.
Cant be followed most of times.
My head is a disaster.
People who enters get drowned.
Of so much noise and chaos.
I wonder who’ll manage to win the cold breeze,
And thunder storm,
The sea rage,
And gets to the bay.
Save me from the chaotic mind.
Away from my demons.
The ones I love too much to let go.
Will I ever get to leave?
Will I ever able to let go?
These pools of emotions drowned me,
Yet Im still here,
Bathing in the same exact post,
Only to be drowned again and again.
Will I ever have the strength to pull away?
Will I ever have the will to do it?
These cold cold wind’s suffocating,
Strangled me off my will,
These thoughts are choking me,
But why am I here, still breathing?
May 14, 2019 in Dan lain-lain
The feeling of missing someone.
I longed for that warm hands to caress mine.
And that eye gaze looking at me,
Warming up my cold cold night,
I miss you,
Is what I wish to say.
Rindu to see you smile can’t be kept at bay.
Wishing you close to me,
But im afraid to take the leap.
Showing my heart is hard,
What’s more my demons.
The good and the bad,
Im still contemplating,
Whether we could make it.
Are you sure you want to be with me?
Someone like me?
The secrets you’ve been holding back,
And secrets that I tryna bury every day,
Can we just not talk about it.
Can we just put it all behind us?
For I don’t really care about who you are in the past.
Anything in the past doesn’t really concern me now.
For all I know,
I still love you.
In the past, present and forever more.
So can we just lay everything behind,
And move on?
Paving a new road,
Linking our future together,
If you wish for it,
Then I am too.
March 21, 2019 in Dan lain-lain
You left us that night.
Exactly at 1 am.
And I’ve arrived just where you were at 1.10 am.
Didn’t make it to your last moment.
Didn’t get to say my last goodbye.
Didn’t get to ask for forgiveness.
And Ive been carrying that heavy feeling since then.
All the fights and all the laugh,
Brought endless tears and chest pain.
I know ive been stubbornly thinking
That I’d never miss you when you gone,
Those thoughts hit me like a bullet,
Straight to my heart.
I miss you.
I miss now more than ever.
I wish I had call you often
I wish I come back sooner.
I wish I drove faster.
I wish I hug you more.
I wish I talk to you more.
I wish I listen to you more.
Time is all I need,
But that is the one thing you don’t have anymore.
And I miss you.
I really do.
February 11, 2019 in Dan lain-lain
I don’t know if its doable.
I sometimes wonder,
Will you forgive me if I
Did the same exact thing,
Or your family? Loved ones?
Would you mind if I scarred them for life?
Like you did,
I try hard digging to my heart core,
Hoping to find that part of me that had,
But I didn’t. I still don’t now.
I remembered every.little.things.
That you did to me.
I still found myself mad at you when the thought crossed,
I know you’re a changed man now.
But it still doesn’t change anything for me.
Yes past is past,
Every other day I wish,
And wish my heart out,
That someday I’d lose my memory,
And start anew.
I know the good things
Way more from the bad,
But I cant help it can I?
When my brain chooses to remember the bad,
Even when we were smiling like a fool,
Laugh our head off like maniac,
Back in my head I still remembers.
And it kills me.
It pains me to remember but
So help me god,
Help me protect this love,
End this misery,
Take my memories,
Take my pain.
Away and far from me.
January 31, 2019 in Dan lain-lain
I didn’t know it back then.
That break ups caused a different kind of sadness.
Not the same kind of sadness
Where your siblings ate your last cookies,
Or when your crush had a girlfriend,
Or even when your parents punished you for
Your brother’s wrongdoing.
If I knew the pain and weight of sadness
That comes with breaking up,
I would never do it.
I would have just held it in.
I would just tolerate it.
After all, aint that the reason why
We love in the first place?
And now I wonder,
If we could get back together,
If this heartbreak doesn’t hurt just me,
But you too,
Can we healed and mend whatever that was broken
With our love for each other?
I cant help but reminiscing what we gone through,
On the days where I suddenly missed us,
On the days where I suddenly caught glimpse of your gift to me,
The impulse to break the last drawer sitting below my closet,
Go stronger and I cant help to go through it.
Diaries and thousands of words scribbled,
I locked it away, safely,
So no one will ever knew how I felt.
And about us too.
January 24, 2019 in Dan lain-lain
I didn’t realise this at first,
Only after few years later.
Only after I read back what I wrote.
Everything I wrote was about you.
Life after you.
Life with you.
And life before you.
And honestly, I was happy.
Reading about my life which its core centre was you.
After so long of not meeting you,
After so long of not talking to you,
Having a great conversation,
I have seemed so lost whenever I wanted to write.
I no longer found the will to write.
And everything that I wrote seems so meaningless,
Without you in it.
I wonder will I ever found my muse?
Will I ever find the will to write again?
I hope one day when I do write,
It is no longer about you.
I hope it is no longer about the longing I felt towards you.
If I cant even do that,
Then will I ever move on from you?
November 28, 2018 in Dan lain-lain
Here is what I wanted to write to my best man who is getting married.
You were once my wonder wall,
And now you are hers.
You were once my best mate,
And now you are hers.
The days and times we have spent together,
Seems like long ago.
And it really was.
As your bestest friend,
(you said that yourself, hee)
I wanted to wish you a long,
And blessed marriage.
May this becoming everything that you ever wish for.
I will always pray for your happiness,
Wherever I am,
Whenever I pray,
I will always pray for it.
Of all the people I knew,
Thank you for all the time you wasted on me,
Thank you for the shoulder you lend me to cry on,
Thank you for the hands wiping my tears,
Thank you for the stupid jokes that cracked me out,
Thank you for all the warm hugs,
Endless nagging and advices,
And everything else in between.
The amount of time we spend,
Kinda makes me feels like I knew you,
Like the back of my hand,
Hence I know,
You’ve made a great decision.
Though your girl hated me (lol),
I still wish the best for her and you!
HAVE A LONGGG LONGGG AND EXUBERANT MARRIAGE MATE!
ILOVEYOU! —–/@ (this is a rose btw. lol)
October 18, 2018 in Short Story/Cerpen
Her heart was broken in the morning.
She gasps for air.
Took a deep breath, and let it go.
She looks puzzled for a good minute
And realized she need to work.
She can’t afford to breakdown now.
Not in front of the office.
So she went in.
Fake a smile.
Walk to the office like she meant it,
And realized her torn heart pieces were falling along the road she walked.
It’s okay. You’ll be okay.
She gets on to work.
Talk like she meant it.
Laugh like she meant it.
And it all went well.
Comes lunch, she no longer has the energy.
Go ahead she says,
Imma take a nap.
She cries silently in her sleep,
And sleep away.
Lunch hour ended.
She continued the work,
Looking like a normal working adult,
Only she wasnt alive.
Her heart half dead.
5.30 time to go.
She packs her stuff,
Laptop, handbag, car keys,
Bye, im going home first!
Start the car,
The smiling face gone,
Replaced with a heavy sad sigh.
She drove home.
Park the car,
Into the lift,
Open the door,
And put everything down.
Change her clothes,
And finally, finally gets to lay in bed.
5 seconds in bed and it begins,
All the tears she has held,
She let it go.
Cried, and cry again.
She wiped and wipes again her falling tears.
Hugging herself tight,
She wishes this will end soon.
October 17, 2018 in Dan lain-lain
I have always wondering,
Everything that I wrote,
These heavy longing that’s burdening my chest,
The melancholy and bliss I felt,
Does it always directed to only one person?
I have always believed that our hearts are capable of loving
More than one person.
Romantically I mean.
That explain the ‘cheating’ game
Some people are playing.
You had always been the song I sang,
The melody that I hummed to,
The future dream that I dreamt about,
Probably father to my future kids too.
It is just I don’t know ‘who’ is this person
That I have been pouring my heart to.
Whenever I imagined who,
All that came to me were fragment
of each and every one I have ever met.
One that I have loved.
One that I liked.
One that I secretly have crush upon.
Are they the same person?
I dont have a clue.
September 26, 2018 in Dan lain-lain
If I get to have just one wish,
I would want to turn back time.
To do it right.
To do it properly.
I wish I get one chance to go back in time.
To correct wrongs that I have done.
To appreciate what I have in front of me better.
To never took that road.
To never took it carelessly.
I wish I can turn back time.
So please god,
Out of experimenting,
Could you grant me just this one wish?
To go back in time,
And change what I can change.
Just to five years ago.
And live my life properly.
Not to waste any time given to me.
To live right.
Just grant me this one wish.
Just this one wish.
I promised I would not ask for more.
Just turn back the time.
September 19, 2018 in Dan lain-lain
It felt like you know a lot about me.
Feels like you don’t.
Maybe you do not know the details,
But you do know how I feels.
Part of me thinking that I should tell you everything,
Part of me are afraid you’d run away.
Well, who doesn’t?
I would too if I were you.
Im afraid of opening my heart to you.
You always had a special place in my heart,
Im just really afraid of letting you in deeper.
Right now, you’re standing right in front of the wall
That I built. So thick.
So tight, not even light nor sound can seep through.
And you’ve been touching the wall with your bare hands,
Flowing love from your heart,
To my wall.
And it’s getting weaker.
Weaker, and thinner.
I’m afraid you’ll see my demons.
These demons that I’ve been hiding so well
All this time.
After all these years,
Will you accept me for who I am?
Would you still open your arms wide,
Welcoming me in?
Welcoming my demons in?
Would you be able to tame my wildest dreams
Could you handle seeing me bare naked with all the slashes,
Scars and wound from the war I have had with myself?
Or would you just leave instantly,
Knowing you could never handle me,
That this broken heart of mine is too catastrophic,
and afraid that I might turn your heart alike,
cracked, bled and dead.
September 4, 2018 in Dan lain-lain
Hey, you there!
Are you like me?
Spending much time on the internet searching
For any entertainment that will do.
For anything that you’ve been ignorant to.
For any proof that others have it much better than you.
Hey, are you like me?
Do you spend terrific amount of time on vacation sites,
But never really click that ‘reserved’ button,
Cause you never know what you gonna face,
Once you leave your comfort zone.
Hey, are you like me?
Do you go flip and toss your mind around?
Whenever you wanted to buy something?
Whenever you wanted to say something to someone?
Whenever you wanted to stand up for yourself?
Do you ended up giving in?
Do you ended up learning to ignore?
Do you end up swallowing everything in?
Hey, are you like me?
Are you afraid to take the first step?
Are you afraid of even making a baby step?
Thinking that things might change 180?
Those never-ending questions that left unanswered,
Are you like me?
Till you can figure them out,
One by one,
Leaving non unanswered,
Only then will you take the steps.
To go out venture the world,
To go out making new friends,
Meeting new people,
Saying the first Hi.
And by then,
Definitely by then,
And done for.
August 10, 2018 in Dan lain-lain
You’re the first person who taught me what love is.
Also the first person who taught me what heartbroken was.
From the beginning till the end,
You taught me what it was, what it still is,
And what it could be.
In the past,
9 Aug was just a date to me,
It is you.
I could not remember the date without remembering you.
Yes, it is your birth day.
The day where my guardian angel was born.
The birth of someone I used to love, still is
And always will be.
You might not be the reason why I no longer felt the pain,
But it is you who went through it with me.
When I was down and scared,
You were there comforting.
Though at times you’re annoying,
Most of the times, you have never failed to make me laugh.
Just like a guardian angel,
You save me from my bitter self.
And for that thank you.
For merely existing.
For being you.
For standing beside me.
For all the late night calls.
For the encouraging text.
For a space in your heart too. (lol)
Here is to many more years with you, bruh!
Hoping you’ll grown to be wiser, healthier,
May all the good things in the world goes to you and,
Happy 24th Ijie!