hiddenSOUL

abused and abuser

September 3, 2019 in Poetry/Puisi

 

We are each other secret,

But you should not love me less

You should not make me feel worthless

You should not test me up to this limit

You should not come to me whenever you wanted too

And leave once you’ve done with your business

 

I could give you so much but never for once act like I give nothing

In the end ill take everything.

Darling, I may love you but hating you is something I can create

Darling, being nice is what I am but torturing you is what ive been planning

Darling, being the one who listen can also be the one who talk

So darling? Is it fun? To go through what you put me through?

Cause this isn’t the end.

A scene

July 8, 2019 in Short Story/Cerpen

“Hey whatcha doin? Free? Lets watch a movie, NOW”
Sent.
“hey, im at my college, not in the mood to watch movie”
“alahh, please.. just watch with me this one movie.. pretty please”
“fine-_- which mall?”
It was weird for him, she was never the type to beg or say please, but better a movie than doing nothing. Having her around in not that bad either

That’s the guy I’ve been waiting for, always been the one that caught my attention instantly even in the crowd. Greeting me with his smile. “hihi, thank you” wrapping my hand around his arm, even though he always have that annoyed expression. But I know him well enough to know. That’s how ‘us’ work

The movie will end in the next two hours, like always he will lend his shoulder for me to put my head on. 30 minute after..
“I have something to tell you, dengar tau, dengan hati dan perasaan”
“yeah, what is it”
I look at him, wishing he really listen this time.
He didn’t realise, he kept his eyes stick to the screen.

I cant figure her out, she has always something hidden and unpredictable, it’s odd to think that she only want to spent time with me out of nowhere for something so simple like movie date.. She asks me to listen to what she’ll about to say, maybe this will be just another trick of her confession. She loves to play around. I really wish she grow up, stop thinking that we’re the kids we used to be back in school.

“Im pregnant” I whisper to him.
And pull myself away and turn my head focusing on Spiderman refuse to know his face expression

She what?
Did I misheard such thing?
Why would she play around with that matter
I look at her, but there’s nothing I can read with that expression
the usual heartless expression,
Hard to decide what’s on her mind
You what? I asked her again in disbelief

“hey, lower down you voice boy, do you want me to tell the entire theater?”
She look at me, smirking, like everything she said was just a joke to her
She stare at me, moving her mouth expressing “I’m” and pointing her hand toward her tummy
“why did you tell me here?”

He was in shock, I’ve never seen him act in such manner
But I’ve thought of this, I’ve figure out every possibilities and how to react
it was better doing it with people around, so i dont break, cause i know my ego wont let my tears fall among crowd.
I replied “so that you don’t run, so that you stick with me for another 2 hours, so even if you’re here watching a movie, you have an ample time to figure something out”
“I’ve always know you’re insane, but this time, your insanity is beyond my expectation”

He wanted to left his seat,
“where are you going?”
“I cant stay here”
I let his hand go, and watch him as he go

There’s no other way for me to describe her, only unpredictable
She know me well enough to be extra careful in giving me any news
But she was pregnant, it was mine.
We were not in love, we have no relationship
We were together when we wanted to be together
And now she was pregnant with my kid?
Im not leaving her here, but I cant stay here either
So I left my seat.
She is still there, watching Spiderman as if what’s in her body is typical organ and she has no worries about it.

He will have to come back, I already took his phone
I watch the movie till the end

By the time I leave the theater he was waiting outside,
I gave him his phone
“im sorry” he said
He hold my hand and lead me to the parking.
*In the car*
“do you want me to be responsible?”
“yes, but not by marriage, you know Im not into any marriage life”
“are you saying you wanna get rid of it”
Silence.
“help me financially till the end of the process, and from there we will stop”
“everything”
Silence.
“but it was our fault, does it really deserve to be thrown away”
“it was our fault, therefore we have to endure this between us, we are well aware of the risk”
I thought of this, I wont be able to provide my child with basic necessities, Im not being selfish even if it look like it, am I really afraid of the harsh word I might received? No it’s not about it. Any option I choose will lead to pain but we deserve the pain. But not the baby. I cant stop thinking I will only ruin a child’s future. Even if he wanted to be responsible, we still cant do anything about the life I imagine for my kids. We are college student. we did so many immature act and how can we have a child with us?
“I need more time to think”
I was blank, this involve a life of another human being. Ive done so many bad thing in life, but most of it only affect me as a person. But this isn’t just about the baby, what will happen to her.
Damn. I know she wouldn’t tell me what she actually feel about this.
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
*close microsoft word. Save as “a scene”*
*hide folder*
*shut down*

Grab phone
“hey whatcha doin? Free? Lets watch a movie, NOW”
Sent.

HAZED kind of love

February 10, 2019 in Dan lain-lain

Went on a date with D
It feels nice he appreciate every little thing
The music at the restaurant
The taste of the meal he ate with me
Focusing on me while waiting our food
Eventhough it takes hours
But phone aside
Ahh he’s appreciating everything and that include me

Talking with Z
I love how he make fun of me and make me laugh
He said he love to share everything with me
Every story flow smoothly when the person is me
And he never know why but he can never be mad at me
This one make me feel worthy

Sharing with H
A mummy in a man
A sister in a guy
A girlfriend in a boyfriend
The one who listen no matter how ridiculous he think my story is
The one who’s with me when im scared
I felt safe

Knowing A
The one with big responsibilities
But always a smile on his face
So much positivity with such hardship
The one so eager trying to get to know me
I realise im not invisible

Loving E
Hands on my body
mind thinking about her
Miserable is the only word i always felt
But we dont get to choose whom we love
Wise thought doesnt help motivate your stupid heart.

we cant be defined

December 20, 2018 in Poetry/Puisi

what are we?
we shall not be define
as what we are to each other
is never consistent

we used to be classmate
then cherish each other
and became friend
or should i say bestfriend

but at certain time
we act like we never knew one another
once we passed that phase
we thought we should try be a lover
new ideas come in mind
and ex lover we plead to be

but isnt it exciting
now we challenge ourselves as
fuck buddies?

a relationship without obligation

run away

December 15, 2018 in Poetry/Puisi

because im afraid to go home
as if i dont belong
none of the thing in my house i can own
like im always alone

proceed to next day. probably.

August 23, 2018 in Dan lain-lain

“next time bagitahu!”
i want to say this OUT LOUD
BECAUSE I WISH THAT YOU STOP TELLING ME THAT I ASK MORE THAN I DESERVE AND IM SUCH A NUISANCE FOR EVERYONE FOR ASKING THINGS.. BECAUSE I WISH WHEN I KEEP IT IN THEN YOU’LL SLOWLY FORGET MY EXISTENCE AND STOP BEING MAD AT ME FOR LIVING IN SOME PART OF YOUR LIFE. AND I WISH I STOP FEELING SO USELESS BECAUSE I HAVE TO LET ALL THE HARSH WORDS YOU SAID SLIDE INTO ME BUT NO WORDS COME OUT FOR ME TO DEFEND MYSELF BECAUSE I KNOW IM VERY HELPLESS. BECAUSE THAT ONE DAY WHEN I’VE TOLD YOU THAT PLEASE HEAR ME THIS ONE TIME IM SO TIRED TO STAY SILENCE AND YOU SAID I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOU AND IM GONNA BE VERY SORRY IF YOU DIE ONE DAY BUT.

HEY

what will you actually feel if im the one turn out to be dead.

My ungrateful rant

February 24, 2018 in Dan lain-lain

I always said my life is enough and im so blessed with everything but let me just vent out all negativity tonight, im so tired of keeping it all inside for quite some time. Please let me free my mind

1. Im good or actually average, the best in my class but not good enough compared to my friends in real life. And every single night i wish i’ll be better and push myself harder but the next day im still the lazy me doing the same routine refused to move out from my comfort zone. But you know complaining about this kind of thing to my current closest friends they’ll just said how ungrateful i am because im better than them in most aspect so with that i’ve to swallow every pain thinking mine is better than them but hey readers at some point we all have our own disappointment where we weren’t able achieve our target, can’t you let us be sad?

2. I’ve a very loving family but they actually know nothing about me, they dont know how wild my social life is, they dont know how i think freely about everything without the boundaries of faith, im afraid about how fake i am towards every single person interact with everyday and letting myself out is not actually a good decision, you know those quotes about “dont be afraid to be yourself”? But darling some wise action you have to take for your own future is keep yourself hidden or one day people use the old you to ruin you.

3. I love this one guy out of lust, i knew exactly what i felt for him. He’s bad for my life but good enough as my escape from reality. I hate his girlfriend because she’s quite nice but she took him from me. I have no problem having another one but i want someone like him and to actually open up like both of us do might take years for me. So in the end i just want him despite the fact he had girlfriend, but he never stick to one either.

4. I know my prayers are messed up, i still pray but i felt nothing, i read nothing i actually pray for nothing, but i still do, but i don’t know why i just love talking to my own god but still questioned his existence

redha? i think not

October 10, 2017 in Dan lain-lain

If i were given one chance
To ask the death back to life
Is it selfish that i want her to come alive?
Even though i didn’t face her struggle of living

voices, who?

October 8, 2017 in Poetry/Puisi

There’s this voice
Keep on calling my name
Sara~
But when i turn around
It went missing

There’s this voice
Keep on calling my name
Is it inside my head
Or somewhere near to my ears?

There’s this voice
Keep on calling my name
Wherever i go
Any place i went

Voices voices voices
Who are you?

Im heartbroken and yet im a heartbreaker myself

October 1, 2017 in Poetry/Puisi

Heartbroken?
Because i love this one guy for 6 years
Because i always wanted him to come back
Because im closed to him but he was never mine
Because i’ve cried in front of him but he’s no longer here
Because the fact we’re the same make us so afraid to give commitment towards each other

Heartbreaker?
Because i flirt with everyone
Because i said yes everytime they ask me for dinner
Because i said yes to them for lunch too
Because i act like i care but i dont
Because i ignore when they show me their love
Because i ask them to do certain way as he always did

With different guy, i can create you

because distance save me from self destruction

September 5, 2017 in Dan lain-lain

“I choose to adore you from a distance, for distance can shield me from pain”

You’re my definition of love at the first sight, the first time i saw you, you make me wanna take a glance at you several time,
When all of your friends are sleeping you’re the only one still stay wide awake glueing both of ur eyes on the outside view
At that time, i thought i only admire you because you look so much like him
After meeting you several time i no longer see him in you, i saw you as you
I wanted to know more about you
But with the time given i think i should just adore you from distance
Maybe there are others admiring you as much as i am
So again i choose to watch you from afar
Because darling, by keeping a distance between me and you
You have no power over me

ex lover, are you still there?

August 30, 2017 in Dan lain-lain

I dont think im still in love with you
But i can assure u still have some of my attention
We’re fine with this decision
To be apart and choose a different path
To stop being there for each other
To stop showing love
To stop caring

But then there are people around me still hoping that we’re together,
Did you face this too?
If you face the same thing,
Dont come back,
Dont go back to where we used to be
Dont make me as your future again
Because i think we’ll never work out
No matter how hard we try to tolerate with each other insecurities
In the end, we’ll choose to ignore each other
As if coping with insecurities is silly

Maybe i should stop joking around using your name,
What if i develop that feelings again?
I know i should stop
You show me clearly you already lost every inch of me in your life
Can you show me you’ve someone else?
Because with that i know i can let go for sure,
Because with that i know i’ll never have another chances
Because with that i can officially be with someone else
Because with that, if we meet again i can say
‘you’re the one who left earlier’
‘You’re the one who stop trying’
‘You’re the one who find another me in another person first’

another year, another distraction

August 26, 2017 in Dan lain-lain

I can simply speak with anyone,
I’ve no problem to joke around with people,
But then i saw you,
My words run dry
My view are so fascinating
When you’re standing in front of me,
I make sure my eyes looks down,
Im afraid that you’ll notice im fangirling over you

Kenapa kau pun sama,
I saw you being friendly with them
Tapi sampai depan aku,
You turn out to be a silencer
Maybe,… Just maybe…

No, you’re like that because we barely know each other
Even you did tegur me on insta

#self-note
Just dont create hope for yourself and stop imagining things,

my unstoppable inner selfishness

July 24, 2017 in Dan lain-lain

I know im the one who willingly said
“if you want anything, just ask”
So you start asking for most everything that’s mine
It is not your fault
It is my fault as the inner selfish me
I hate sharing
Anything, my things, friends, attention,space
I HATE TO SHARE EVERYTHING YOU ASK
But i know somehow i’ve to help you,
My teacher once said
“out of hundreds of people in this world, you’re the one god give chances to meet her, when she’s in need of help”
My life was great, i have no big problem that make me feel like i wanna kill myself.
Rarely surrounded by this kind of people.
I mean the kind of people who had problem with their financial and families. Well mostly we only care about boys, our love life, and we rebel if our parents wont let us hang out with our friends.. I was surrounded with bunch of teenagers who only care to enjoy their life.
So i met this one friend during college, at first conv we share about what we want here,
Me ; i need to be better, nicer, maybe a nerd but not really because i know i cant, i was trying to let go my dark past,
Her ; she want to move out from nerdy zone, and her dark past was being condemn over everything, easier to say im the type of people from her past

So she wanna join me mostly everything i decided to join, obviously she met my friends, know a lil bit of my families, she said im nicer because i dont pick people to be friends with, because during her old days, people like me only choose to be friends with certain type of people. Little did she know i always put walls for everyone,
But yknow, i always have boundaries with people. I was okay along the first month, but then she start to show how much she wanna live my life, ask for everything, wanna know more about my family, wanna go home with me, BUT NO!

She start to take over my friends, its sokay im not really close with that one either, but me being the selfish me can only help you through my temporary willingness,
And me being the selfish me, stated that you’re not more than just an acquaintance
And me being the selfish me, always hate myself for being so selfish but i hate letting people know everything and take over everything like they know me over anything
And this selfish me, lost so many people because i push people away whenever they’re trying to get close to me more than their limit
But this selfish me, feel safe to be selfish because she cant afford sharing and losing

I cant forgive myself for being so selfish but this is my comfort zone. So stop there.

emo.h

June 19, 2017 in Poetry/Puisi

So my teacher ask me to write something about ‘home”
You’re the first flash in my thought, but i know that home was no longer a home
I wonder where’s my home after you closed that door of yours
But i know, in a long period of time
There’ll always one wonderful home that always exist.
That is me, my heart, my mind,
That is where i found comfort in every disappointment
That is where i found happiness in every satisfaction
That is where i found pleasure in every fun

Because me, wont leave me for anyone else 🙂

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