Just you.

I’m not okay.
I want to be.
I ought to be.
But I’m not okay.

I keep imagining you with another girl in your arms
I keep imagining you tagging her in funny videos and memes with your usual “Sayang! tengok ni!”
I keep imagining you planning your future with another woman.
And it hurts so much.

It hurts to know you might be better off with someone else.
It hurts to know I could never be enough.
It hurts.

I imagine you texting her good morning every day
I imagine you asking for her to switch on her skype, because you just miss her so much
I imagine you coming all the way from your work place to her place
Just to see her
Just to spend a bit of your time with her
No matter how tired you were
No matter how far it was
The way you did to me

I know we agreed on time apart
I know we agreed to give each other space
to rethink
to re-evaluate
but what if you realise you’re happier without me?
what if you realise I’m not worth the fight?
What if you decide to leave?

I’m not okay.
I’m not okay.
My day isn’t going well.
I’m not doing okay.

I want you.
I want your heys
I want your goodnights
I want your hugs
I want your kisses
I want your love
I want you

Despite everything
Regardless of everything you said
I still want you.
No one else, but you.

What is wrong with me.

I write nonsense, really. None of it makes any sense
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