untuk LOL

Whenever i think that you guys will be away from me, i’m upset and teared up a lil bit. Being away from you means i’m losing of one of my comfort, safest place. In this unfriendly world, where everyone put a mountain height expectation on me, you guys basically have none. You expect nothing from me, accepting me for who i were and who i am, who i will always be. Weirdly, I don’t feel any less, i feel safe and accepted. 

Being always away from home, almost 10 years now. I never really missed home. I never really cried because I missed home. I wonder why. I guess because I always have you guys with me.

Legacy of Lenity practically raised me. That is basically the case for me. When I came home, for good, I cried, a lot. Because I don’t know how to behave, I was always treated like a sister. Since i’m the eldest and when i need to act like an older sister i am, i was caught off guard. Awkward. Not that i need to do anything, but it just feels weird not to have someone to cling on. I became somewhat defensive. I raised my voice, so no one noticed, it just me being scared and lonely. I shut people down because i always thought why would people even care when there’s so much to life, where basically everyone is struggling.

I don’t talk about what bothers me because who would care enough to know how my weird mind works and how i feel about things. It was hard. All of a sudden, i found myself trapped in this uncomfortable zone. I can’t talk about it. Hence, i become more reserved. Nothing feels right because i lost a piece of myself. Unknowingly,  I missed my old self. You guys spoiled me so much and for always having people beside me, unconsciously i become emotionally dependent and too scared to walk alone. 

But no worries, now I figured things out, I guess that’s just adulting things. It took me a lot of time, salty tears, faked courage and messed up poetry to get through it, but somehow i did it. Older and slightly wiser. 

I don’t just made friends, i’m proud enough to call myself a sister of a family. Thanks to you guys, I never felt left out in this big family. Thank you for holding my hands all this time. Thank you for walking this journey with me. Thank you for putting up with my crap and antiques. Thank you for your “how are you?” in the midst of my busy week that make me feel at home. If I am to mention all the names here, I would have to write a novel, which I probably should, because every single name is specially engraved in my heart and will never ever be forgotten. 

Why bother counting the years when we want to stay together for a long long time?

Anyways, Happy 10th anniversary Legacy of Lenity. I love you a lot. Like a lot.

f.h
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