“If I had the courage to convey these feeling,
I can say goodbye to all those painful nights.
I put all my wishes into it, wish my love,
so give me the power to take that first step.”
But what kind of first step would it be, I have always wondered it too. The first step to embrace the wind? The first step to get away against this strong wind? I want to find the answer towards all these, but all efforts deemed to get me to a clueless dead end. This might be the end of a story for me. Or just another end of a chapter. Or maybe a start of a chapter. No matter what it is, maybe I can keep on walking to wherever this love wind brings me. Maybe it brings me further from here, or just closer from here. I might go nowhere, and be remained here. Probably the thing that I should love was right inside me after all.
But, such things like self-love is a difficult thing to do for me. Someone as average as me. Someone who has the weakness way too obvious for him to love his self so much. Self-indulgence are the one I can fill anytime, self-love however is a different thing altogether. There’s a line separating those two and frankly I don’t even know how to differ both of them. It’s just too hard.
“Alright, time to look at another random line of this song and see where it hits.”
The dry wind blows through my heart,
I want it to take these overflowing emotions with it…
Two shadows, and your casual chatter,
I’m jealous of them… it becomes painful… is this love?
Shadows. Apparitions. A pair of apparitions standing right in front of my sight that creates illusive world that is too painful to observe. It’s probably too good to stay away and not peek at the abyss after all, eh? But maybe this all comes with a reason. Maybe even if I was there in a place of that one shadow I aspire to be in, the weakness of myself would probably be obvious for them to see. It’s all as clear as day. I hate this feeling.
But maybe it wasn’t all love. It was mostly jealousy bundled with bitterness of the reality of what have been happening. Like thorns of roses it hurts every sides of me that touches the reality that has been swarmed by bitterness. Sometimes I feel like I should part away from this wind anytime soon, it’s all furious like a tornado spinning inside.
Sometimes, I feel like it’s not the time to say goodbye yet. When the thought finally hits me, that was when the wind returned to me to continue helping me seeking something out of my nothingness. The significance of my presence. Something.
“My heart is closed by the wind…
holding these uncountable tears and these words I can’t say…
These swaying emotions mislead me…
I’m looking for you, I just want to see you… only you.”
Okay stop, out of all of the lyrics I want to seek randomly why the heck does this one hits me the most? What is this all sudden feeling towards this? Swaying emotions? Why now?
I could have been looking and search for more things inside that wind but it tells me to just go find myself. Find myself? I still have no clue what the wind is all on about now towards me. But then again, I don’t even know what happened to me either now that I’ve also been searching back towards that wind yet again, even after all of this hot mess of a lifetime.
It kind of suck being like this. Well.. “kind” of is an understatement. I mean, really sucked. But that’s how I wanna end all of the description. It would really be bad if I would spend a lot of time describing whatever the avalanche of emotions that messed my brain and, occasionally, my heart out.
If I would write a letter to that wind I once longed for it might be like this:
“Thanks for the song and the melody. It was all an enjoyable trip for me. I have had fun towards this adventurous. The pain, the sweetness, the endurance, the hype, everything. It was all fun. Even though this might be the end of me seeing this wind, the fun of being inside it was unforgettable. It was just like the melody. The ups and downs, the beaming choirs, the strums of the violins, and the lyrics that echoes my ears.
I had hope to see you again, but as you’ve said to me, find yourself. And from then on, the search will go on.
Thank you, and good bye.”
Maybe the trail in the floral leaves orchard covered in deep blue will help me start a journey for this, who knows? It’s just a new wind of change after all. It’s all with the exciting journey I will be seeking, for sure!
(the whole story is a mere sequel to this: https://tulis.co/a-windy-lovely-and-melodic-reality/ )