The first step that I’ll take is the one where I close my eyes and hope for the best…
See I always believed that if I worked hard enough, something good will eventually come my way but that seemed to be the biggest lie that I told myself. I hope someone doesn’t find me dead in a puddle of my own blood which might happen quite soon if I don’t stop this monotonous grind of waking up and doing the same damned thing over and over. I feel like my efforts go nowhere and ultimately I’m going to see myself alone and sad in the future. This life is pain and its a pain that’s only getting worst.
A million thoughts race through my mind all day and nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine of those thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with me or my current state yet these things still run through my mind constantly. The one thought that does have something to do with me and my current state is the thought of food, my only temporal escape from reality. Stress eating has become something that I do on the regular now and my current state of health as you’re probably wondering is deteriorating as well. I’ve gained so much weight that the biggest size that any normal store sells doesn’t fit me anymore. I’m worried about what is going to happen to me. I’ve sought out help, don’t worry.
I’m just trying to write down what is constantly going through my mind. None of this makes sense. None of this should but this is what it is like being inside my mind. I would like to think that I could’ve gone through things a lot better previously but no, all I do is complain and hope that things somehow get better(in my mind, they never do).
I’m fine, don’t call a freaking suicide hotline for me. I just really wanted to type something here and now I finally have.