Coffee Life

I always try to find a place for me to fit in but there are none for me or maybe I didn’t find it yet. I honestly think I don’t have a place called home. I wish I have it so I can be happy and ease whenever I been there. I wish I had money to buy anything I want. To do anything I want. To eat any delicious food, I want. To doll up myself. Life is unfair, but do I really deserve some fairness? Unfortunately, not, I guess.  

Life is bitter just like a coffee. I don’t enjoy it all. That is how I feel. Maybe that’s the ultimate reason why I hate coffee. Even when you put milk in there, I will never enjoy it. Because the bitterness overtops the sweetness. Just like life, isn’t it? 

There are sometimes whenever I cleansed up my face, I want to rub it harsh. So, it can take my ugliness away. There are times I don’t even want to eat at all because I want to get rid of this fucking fat body so much. There are times whenever I see the knife, I feel the urge to hurt myself, to stab myself, precisely to kill myself.  

There are times whenever I’m in the bathroom I want to drown myself. Let my head in the tab for a long time. Ironically, I still fight between the urge to die and the urge to live. Sometimes I would even hold my breath under the shower hoping for my soul be taken away. 

I never had an easy life. Neither do you. I know it. But I always act like I’m okay when I failed my exam. I act like I don’t worry a thing about my future, my classes, my university life, my scholarship, about myself when I am definitely am. 

I’m actually hoping if I go somewhere far, I will be okay. Turn out it just the same old me without many much improvement. I still the same short fat ugly girl who are rude, short temper, all the bad personality trait you can say. 

I want to end my life so bad that I always looking at my wrist, at my body, at my face hoping it to bleed. BLEED TO DEATH!!! I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment to my parents. I’m sorry. 

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