During the most important year of my high school, I was diagnosed with cataplexy. Well, maybe some of you are wondering what on earth is cataplexy. Cataplexy is a medical condition in which strong emotion or laughter causes a person to suffer sudden physical collapse though remaining conscious. In my case, it was joy or laughter. Pretty shitty, huh? Well, to put in simpler terms I lack the capacity to be happy, or to feel joy or else I will lose consciousness. The effects had intensified for a couple of years, but it really hit me in the level where I lose capability to control my consciousness whenever someone compliments me, or a cute girl said she likes me, and I started thinking, “Okay, maybe I need to figure this out.” I had mixed feelings once I got the diagnosis. It was painful, and unbearable to some extent because I feel I wasn’t doing the best life for years and years.I have not been able to study well, I wasn’t able to socialize. I feel like as a person, I was losing grip on my entire life. When I was treated, I was glad that I’m not to be blamed for this misfortune. However, accepting the truth is the hardest and the most bitter part of it all. The shittiest thing of all is that no matter how much I try to overcome it, there is no immediate treatment for narcolepsy. To accept something you know you’re not responsible for, there was a bit of an aspect of sorrow. I was dealing with the thoughts of my own future, the life I wanted to live and all the things I thought I could accomplish.
Losing your consciousness is very scary. I once knew something pushing up against my mattress beneath my bed, pulling my sheets off my bed, even though I was literally lying there, looking at my sheets, and I could see that they were not going. Yet I felt that they were moving. It’s a weird, strange feeling. It felt like I knew something was inflating against my mattress beneath my bed, even though I can feel it, there is nothing I can do to stop it. It’s a weird, strange feeling. Felt like no matter how much you try to control it, it phases right through you. Another thing is, it can be tough to maintain a social life because it’s just another thing that takes up energy. Tragic, right?
My life was out of control at this point. I would be sent into a deeper depression each time. All the time I felt exhausted. When I reflected on how my life is impacted by this disease, the first thing that comes to mind is how everyone feels it’s hilarious. They laugh and don’t realize how serious my disorder is. It was terrible. It felt terrible because despite having an impairment, people don’t even seem to sympathize with my condition. And that’s loneliness. Just going out is becoming something very hard to do. Also simply walking literally brings a variety of dangers of its own. I’m constantly worried that I will collapse or how this disability will throw me deeper into depression. Now that I think of it, dying doesn’t sound so bad afterall.