I feel the need to share this.
This is a story that I think I need to share with the intention that you guys might ponder upon it. I don’t know how can I put it into words, but for me this is my nightmare. It happened days before ramadhan and still going on. (I was pregnant month ago but my abortion happened weeks before ramadhan).
I’ve wasted my time with this one guy, and it’s totally a messed up when I knew that I was positively pregnant his baby. I was with this man like for years (it’s obviously the longest relationship I ever had).
At the very early stage of pregnancy, I didn’t notice any symptom until when I was in a week 4, roughly. It was really a horrible feeling, because my morning sickness is quite severe that sometimes I’m afraid to drive or to go anywhere. Maybe because I have a low blood pressure & the sickness last until I fall asleep, everyday.
Hence, I decided to buy a pregnancy test, and the result was positive. I cried, and I was really depressed. I told him about the bad news. He said “abort the baby, for our own good”. We felt really bad about this, but funny thing is, he said I was the one to be blame. Doesn’t really make sense.
Abortion, I was so speechless, but at the same time, maybe that’s the only solution. Before I’m surely wanted to do an abortion, I read few articles about abortion, I watch videos , be it with pills or surgery, both sucks. I see a lot of women cried in their videos after abortion. It’s hurtful for me because I was once ever dream of being a mom, too.
Then, I refused to do that, I want to keep the baby and I decided to resign, with hope I can run away from my own home to someplace that no one will know me. But, it doesn’t go well because when I go to the doctor (clinic), she said there’s no heartbeat, at that time my baby was in a week 6. Meaning to say, I have to do an abortion. But, the surgery is pretty much expensive & I can’t afford that.
Worse is, that guy seems so not responsible & he said that I was just merely a sex partner. I asked for money, he gave me some, and I decided to buy the pills for abortion. Which is, of course, illegal. Then he shut me out from his life. I keep sending text anyway, at least maybe he will then feel guilty soon.
With no one knows, no one can I share all these, I face it all alone. This is hard. I can’t go to the hospital or any specialist, because it will end up caught red handed. If I go there, it must be someone to sign the agreement for abortion, it has to be my parents or my “husband”.
So, I have only one final option, pills abortion. Why I didn’t tell my parents? My siblings or even my friends? This is beyond embarrassing story that I will ever share with any of them, and I’m big enough to deal with this all alone.
Back to the story, at that one night, after I picked up the parcel, i read the description on how to have a proper pill abortion. I took the first pills. The purpose of that pill is to cut out any nutritions & whatsoever, so the baby could slowly died, but apparently, my baby has died weeks ago.
Then, the next day I took the second batch of pills, around 9 pm. I have to take 4 of them at once, and i can’t swallow it, but let it slowly dissolved in my mouth about 30 minutes.
What do you think happened next? I’m bleeding, like having a menses but the blood flow really fast like a water in tap. At that moment It was a relief because i thought that the process would be just like menses.
I was wrong, 2 hours after consuming the pills, i started to suffer a really bad cramps, and i have to change my pad every hours & i was terrified that i will ended up fainted. I drink a lot of water & eat chocs to keep me hydrated, i didn’t sleep that night.
The pain really hit me so hard that I shouted like a baby, i bite my pillows to stop myself from screaming. There’s no words to describe, it was like you’re having a miscarriage. It was really painful & i’m sweating , shivering, and it feels like i was being stabbed so many times, severe headache and what else. My body was acting so crazy at that moment. I wanted to yelled and screamed but I can’t make any noise.
I can’t lay down, i can’t sit properly due to my back pain, shoulder pain, cramps all the way along my left side & pelvic pain (painful!). I keep listening to any surahs, and begging to Allah to really give me a chance to be more upright, to forgive me & to have a chance to at least perform taubat nasuha. I regret, yes, i regret so much that i felt disgusted with myself.
After 2 hours battling with the pain, the pain slowly disappeared, but, it struck me back like a demon, at 4 am. This one, all big blood clots came out! And I was really, really tired dealing with all these madness alone. To cry all over again, going to the toilet, having a diarrhea, nausea.
At that time, it felt like these big clots of blood won’t stop and I decided to just sit on the stool. Eventually, there’s really a huge big clots I have ever seen fall out to the ground, full of bloods. I can see a grey line and it might be a placenta, and that one big clot is the embryo.
I cried. Again. That was my baby, and I killed him/her. But I’m glad that with that one shot, all my pains, headache, and what not, disappeared completely. Pills abortion really makes me suffers, luckily i didn’t took another set of the second batch of pills, if not i guess i’m going to fainted because of anemia.
It was 6 am, and I tried to catch some Z’s. After bearing a battle with myself. The day afterwards, I’m having a period about two weeks. but, after three days i didn’t have anymore period (bleeding from abortion), suddenly i’m having the same sort of pain as what i felt the night when I did an abortion.
First day, i try to hold on and took a painkiller, still have that cramps all over my waist and lower abdomen but the pain was not that severe. The following day, the pain become worse as i can’t even stand or sit or lay down. It was really painful i could die.
I call my dad, to bring me to the hospital. At that time i forgot that my hormon was still positively pregnant, but i don’t really care of that because i can’t handle the pain any longer.
I was admitted in emergency with a wheel chair, they did some blood test, urine test and the medical staffs asked me twice “have i ever had sex”? (due to my result : positive pregnancy), but i denied. How can i speak the truth? My dad was there too. I don’t have the guts to reveal the bitter truth but my instinct felt that something wrong is going to happen.
After few check up & scans, I went to the pregnancy ward. After i go inside the ward, I become really panic & my anxiety hit me out of the blue, i’m behaving like a mad woman. At that time my dad was not allowed to be in the pregnancy ward. so, it’s safe for me, at least.
I felt so dizzy because of the drugs they gave to me, my pain slowly disappeared. When the nurse wanted to do some blood pressure check up, I was trying to find a way on how to escape. I was thinking that shortly everything will be revealed, and i don’t want that to happen. It is dramatic but i can’t handle this, i cant handle if my parents know about all these.
Can you handle it?
Slowly i got up from the bed, pulled up everything that stick on my hands, and slowly try to get out from the room. But nonetheless i have to walk through the main door of the pregnancy ward so i can really escape. Unfortunately, the doctor saw me, and push me back to the room, try to calm me down. A group of nurse try to give advices, try to calm me down. At that time, i do feel like giving up, i just hope that my mom & my dad won’t be that disappointed if this need to be revealed.
The doctor came back and said that i was big enough, and i can keep it disclosed to the third party if i want to. It’s a relief. But, the doctor said, i might have an ectopic pregnancy & it’s risky for myself. I need to perform a surgery no matter what it is. Second, if it was just a cyst then there might be no surgery or maybe yes, but atleast the reason for surgery is just because the doctor wanted to remove the cyst. So i can use that excuses to hide the real truth.
The doctors do some scanning like 5-6 times but there’s no trace of the baby. You know how i felt at that moment? terrified! Then they asked me again to tell them the real story, and finally i ready to open up. I told them that I was positively pregnant before and i know that but i did an abortion. They were shocked.
They asked me, where’s the daddy and about my relationship. At that moment i was so sad to think of how pathetic i can be. My boyfriend didn’t even ask me for an update, and i thought that was a final say, we’re unofficially broke up. There’s no text comforting me either.
Then, the result came out, my abortion was actually successful but i have a ruptured cyst due to the abortion. I was admitted for one day at the hospital, there’s few doctors checking me out, asking so many questions and i felt so ashamed of myself. They know that i just did big sins ever. But i respect them that they tried to keep it confidential.
Final check up by the senior has been done. The doctor asked me if i would like to go to the community workers for consultation but i said I’m okay mentally & physically (i lied). He said again that my action by taking those abortion pills is totally wrong & might risk my life if it went wrong without any supervision. My advice to you guys, don’t do it. They might say it’s safe but apparently it’s not.
Now, after discharge, i rest at home, jobless, no boyfriend either. Later on, I took the medicines, but still experience severe pains for the day 1 – day 3 after discharged. But i don’t want to tell my family because i don’t want to go back to the hospital, i was really ashamed with myself and i can’t face any of them again.
Alhamdulillah, i’m slowly recover, and i’m having my period again on the first Ramadhan, but i hope this time it’s nothing to do with my past abortion. Still in pain but i’m strong enough to deal with it. Still i can’t lay down properly but i will try to endure the pain until the next check-up.
I hope for you guys to pray that i will recover from all these, because i really want to change, to perform solat, to perform taubat nasuha, to do good deeds to my family.
I really hope with my awful experience ever, you guys will learn something. Please don’t ever try to do zina / sex or whatever. If you want to, make it safe, use condom. But my suggestion, don’t even try! Not everyone is lucky; maybe they’re safe in this world, but not akhirat.
Allah gave me such a big lesson (a big slap on my face) and i realize that i’ve commited so many sins throughout my life. Truth to be told, sex is normal for me and my boyfriend. But, the thing is, my bf didn’t face any of these hardships, and the fact that we as a women will have to face all these.
My advice, don’t do stupid things behind your parents & your God. I was really confidence that all my sex experiences so far was safe and no one really know, but indeed Allah knows.
With all these struggles & illness i’ve been through, now i realize how far i fall from the right track. I don’t think i would have the guts to even talk / to meet any guy after all these.
I’m scared to the point that, home is my safest place ever. I don’t want to go outside because i don’t think i have a proper attire to cover myself properly.
Girls out there, please i’m begging you, to really taking care of your virginity, don’t be that cheap, because when you fall to the trap, you might be ruined. Some might going to repent but some might not. I tell you the truth, this is not a good experience and you have to deal with the consequences later on.
For the guys, if you don’t want to be responsible of your own act, don’t do it! just don’t. You guys just make us suffers. Sorry for that, i know there’s plenty of a real man out there that will never taking us (women) for granted, the one that going to respect us & to protect us. so far i found none in my life.
Anyhow, thanks for your time reading all these, so at least you guys know that it is really bad if you come near to zina. Don’t be proud of yourself that you can hide it so well, because Allah has His own way to wake you up.
For now, i’m not going to have a relation with a guy or whatsover because i don’t feel safe, at all. Maybe never. What i have to do now, to find the right circle of friends and repent. repent repent repent.
Last but not least, if a guy really loves you, they won’t even try to touch you even a bit. They will never force you to do all these silly stuffs for the sake of love. Once you commit to those sins, i swear that you’re going to regret it later, all the time.
Love with lust, is not love at all. I warn you, when things go wrong later on, you might ended up pregnant or having some illness due to your sex activities, that’s entirely your own faults.
This is why Allah really wants us to always behave in a right manner between guys and girls, have some dignity guys, be cautious, and put a barrier between you and your guy friends. Love before marriage is haram. Now i know why, because I already experience the worst case ever just because of the so called love.
Please don’t be so naive & blinded because of love, even you have excuses that you can take care of yourself and won’t do those sins, but no one knows how much syaitan will try to push you down right to the hell.
I know I’m a sinner, compared to you guys; I did so many big sins. Don’t be like me. Be a better Muslim, nikah if you can’t handle your nafs, don’t drag your relationship for too long because there’s no good doing that.
Again, thanks all of your willingness to share and read this. May Allah bless you, protect you and all of us. Amin
- Regardless of what religion you are, don’t ever do the sins / bad things behind your parents and your God. Because, at the end of the day, during your hard time, no one will comfort you other than your own family.
- Either you want to repent or not, it’s up to you. I don’t want to judge because I don’t really know if I can manage to be a good Muslim. But, please take care of yourself even if you wanted to enjoy your life to the fullest, because I’m afraid with our very own mistakes, our life is ruined.
- Abortion is a big NO. If I can undo that, I want to keep the baby and do a check-up earlier so I can let my baby stay alive. Abortion is really dangerous because you don’t really know what’s going on inside your body while you taking the pills, you might get infection after surgery. But again, the reason why I did that, because of first : my parents , second : our society. I know, if I keep the baby grow in my tummy, later on the rumours will spread all over the place. My parents would slowly forgive me, i know. But the society maybe your other relatives, they will judge you like they never do sins. Something’s wrong with our society. When we need an attention, need support from the rest, but unfortunately people rather choose to judge, to curse, and to even humiliate us. So we turn away and pick the wrong decision ever because of the depression (suicide, abortion, drugs and whatnot). i hope we change that mindset, though.