In life, there are many things we’ll feel sorry for. I’ve apologized for countless circumstances and inevitable occurrences. And for far too long, I was sorry for being me. I was sorry i exist. I was sorry that i was, and will never be enough.
I was too focused on how lacking i am rather than how to make use of my positive attributes. I was too hung up on people who left, that I forgot to thank those that stayed. those who are still here despite how lacking I am in terms of well, everything.
I became obsessed with being favoured. I liked being liked. I faked who I was hoping that one day, I’ll become who I desperately pretended to be. and as a result, I was unhappy.
It’s true. I dont regard myself highly nor do I think of myself as worthy. That was my defence mechanism. I dont wish for people to have high expectations of me. I dont want people to think that Im not as what people have claimed me to be. I let fear take over me and because of that, I gave up many, many things. including people that I loved, and loved me.
I think of everything as nothing but a lie. I let go of people simply because I was afraid of them leaving me first. I convinced myself that it was for the best. for my best.
Soon after that, I became a mirror. I treat people the same way they treated me. I believed that i was reflecting who they were. Havent once did that I consider that maybe, just maybe, they were the ones reflecting me.
My truth then became the truth. I assumed more than I confirmed. I asked more than I waited for answers. I judged more than I forgave. I rejected more than I learned to accept. And for some time, I became my own god.
I felt lonely. As if im alone fighting a never ending battle. As if im going for a suicide mission that I never agreed to in the first place. As if I was born merely to die. Id be lying if i say i didnt give up. I gave up countless times before giving up again.
It took me as long as 17 years to realise that I’m not alone. that I was never truly alone. I choose to believe Im lucky having to go through what I’ve gone through. I choose to believe that my struggles made me the compassionate and emphatic person I am today.
I choose to believe that as had it not been for the lessons I’ve learned, I never would’ve been able to talk with those who have pain and suffer to burden, I would’ve never had this much passion in writing, and I for certain wouldve never made friends with people whom I consider my bestfriends today.
I’ve come to realized that I apologized more than I showed my appreciation towards them. And though battling my pride is a difficult thing to do, I decided to try and spend as much time as possible telling them how much I love them rather than how sorry I am for everything.
They loved me even with all my insecurities. They reassured me whenever i needed reassurance. They became a large portion of my life.
I lived for them, and they made me live for me.
And I became the person I am today.