a girl.

In between buildings in a rotten city,
on a descending dusk where dust scatter and rusty words were spoken
to tell the truth on the frustration of our post-modern lives,

I saw you.

It took weeks of sleep for me
to come to terms with the fact that all these while
between my dreams and my time scrolling through tumblr,

you existed.

And for whatever reason,
I just woke up one morning without a hole on my chest
without sand on my bed
without an ocean on my head

knowing you exist.

It makes absolutely no sense that a few month ago
you were just a part of my imagination I go to
every time I can’t find peace with my own past.
But the last time we met,
you felt much more real

than everything I have ever touched,

than everything I have ever kissed

and than everything I have ever loved.

(I know love is a pretty strong word to use there)
It scares me myself that I can be so obsessed over such an uncertainty.

You see, I have these vivid b-movie rolls that keep playing,
rewinding themselves in my head
depicting your entangling existence with mine,
braiding and intertwine,
weaving our common future as one.

I imagine falling into a bottomless depth of ecstasy
and sacrificing my every will to be free.

I imagine 2am staring into your eyes and finding eternity
where time and space couldn’t bother us with their envy.

I imagine pouring glass shards on my conscience
and bleeding out every rationale behind every quote I’ve heard about love.

Because I can see myself putting aside every pain I’ve felt,
every moment love had failed me
and all the screeching voices in my head screaming:

STOP! JUST FUCKING STOP!
(This is not going to end well)
You do this every time.
You fall for things you can’t have.
You’re falling for a love that will slap you in the face
You are falling for a love that will jab you in the diaphragm,
kick you in the balls,
throw you in the mud,
murder you in cold fucking blood
and feed you to the fucking pigs.

But still I pray
(to whatever god is out there)
for an ending only I can imagine.
One where I still fall into a bottomless depth of ecstasy.
One where I find in your eyes, eternity
Where time and space couldn’t bother us with their envy.

Where time and space couldn’t bother us with their envy.

Bitter idealist.
Posts created 11

12 thoughts on “a girl.

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