5 years

I dedicate this post to a guy who used to mean the world to me.

Dear HH,
We knew each other on 2011. We suddenly became friend on facebook. We weren’t so close back then but during 2015/2016, we became inseparable. We told each other everything. There were no secret between us. We talked and joked all night. All those bestfriend stuffs, yeah, we did even we never met. You told me about your heartbreaks, your family problems, your niece, your friends, the girl you had a crush on (which was my friend lol), your addiction to drugs and ciggs. Everything. Name it. I know everything. To be honest, I had a crush on you. But since I am not good enough, I keep the feelings to myself and yes I also aware that you are not ready for relationship so thats why I keep quiet about it. It hurts as hell when I had to listened to your ramble about how much you liked someone but hey, anything for my bestfriend right? If it makes you happy then I am happy.

You told me how much it will hurt you if I leave you so I told you that i’m staying. I don’t even have any plan to leave. I was there for you. Everytime. When you were sick, when you ran away from home, when you were high as hell, when you were fighting with your parents, when you were facing heartbreaks, when you were stressed as hell bcs of your works, I was there. I couldnt leave you. You’re too precious to be left out. No one should make you feel worthless. No one. I trusted you by telling you my deepest secret. My weakness. My insecurity. I told you everything. Heck, I even cried. But what you were saying? You comforted me by telling that you are not going anywhere. That you will always, always be there for me. What happened to your words?

I know you are dating her. My used to be bestfriend. And I also know that you choose her over me. I know that so well and I have to pretend that I don’t mind. If it makes you happy, then I am good. What disappoint me the most is, you lied. You told me that whatever it is I am the first person you will seek. I am the first person who knows the real you. I am the first person that you could trust with all your heart. You told me that no one can replace me. You lied. But i guess, that happens when you finally have a girlfriend. Of course she is your priority but it’s just, what happened to those 5 years? What happened to through thick and thin? What happened to no secrets? It sucks. Really. Because I bet you also told her about my deepest secret don’t you?

I hope you’re doing good over there. I hope you can sleep well having her in your arms. I hope she makes you happy. I hope she will notice that it is easy to make you excited and curious. I hope she will notice how weird and cute your laugh is. I hope she notice how anxious you can be. I hope you are happy. Good day, pal. Thanks for the 5 years. I’ll cherish it every single time.

you're not welcome but hey.
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